Carpe Jugulum (Discworld 23)

'... so I said to his lordship What the hell is this?'

He turned to find himself under close scrutiny by the wrinkled old lady in a pointy hat.

'Sorry?' she said.

'This... this... this is just mashed garlic'!

'Don't like garlic flavour, eh?' said Nanny sternly.

'I love garlic, but it doesn't like me! This isn't just garlic flavoured, woman, it's all garlic!'

Nanny peered at her tray with theatrical shortsightedness.

'No, there's some... there's a bit of... you're right, perhaps we overdid it a gnat's... I'll just go and... just get some... I'll just go...'

She collided with Agnes at the entrance to the kitchen. Two trays slid to the floor, spilling garlic vol-au-vents, garlic dip, garlic stuffed with garlic and tiny cubes of garlic on a stick, stuck into a garlic.

'Either there's a lot of vampires in these parts or we're doing something wrong,' said Agnes flatly.

'I've always said you can't have too much garlic,' said Nanny.

'Everyone else disagrees, Nanny.'

'All right, then. What else... ah! All vampires wear evening dress in the evenings, even this lot.'

'Everyone here is wearing some kind of evening dress, Nanny. Except us.'

Nanny Ogg looked down. 'This is the dress I always wear in the evenin'.'

'Vampires aren't supposed to show up in a mirror, are they?' said Agnes.

Nanny snapped her fingers. 'Good thinking!' she said. 'There's one in the lavvie. I'll kind of hover in there. Everyone's got to go sooner or later.'

'But what if a man comes in?'

'Oh, I won't mind,' said Nanny dismissively. 'I won't be embarrassed.'

'I think there may be objections,' said Agnes, trying to ignore the mental picture just conjured up. Nanny had a pleasant grin, but there had to be times when you didn't want it looking at you.

'We've got to do something. Supposing Granny were to turn up now, what would she think?' said Nanny.

'We could just ask,' said Agnes.

'What? "Hands up all vampires"?'

'Ladies?'

They turned. The young man who had introduced himself as Vlad was approaching.

Agnes began to blush.

'I think you were talking about vampires,' he said, taking a garlic pasty from Agnes's tray and biting into it with every sign of enjoyment. 'Could I be of assistance?'

Nanny looked him up and down.

'Do you know much about them?' she said.

'Well, I am one,' he said. 'So I suppose the answer is yes. Charmed to meet you, Mrs Ogg.' He bowed and reached for her hand.