'Look at this waistcoat! Will you look at this waistcoat? Do you know what water does to silk? You just never get it out! No matter what you do, there's always a mark.' He looked at her frozen expression and sighed.
'I suppose we'd better get some things off our chest, hadn't we?' he said. He looked up at the wall and took down a very large and spiky axe. He thrust it at her.
'Take this and cut my head off, will you?' he said. 'Look, I'll loosen my cravat. Don't want blood on it, do we? There. See?'
'Are you trying to tell me that you were brought up with this, too?' she said hotly. 'What was it, a little light hatchet practice after breakfast? Cut your head off a little bit every day and the real thing won't hurt?'
Vlad rolled his eyes. 'Everyone knows that cutting off a vampire's head is internationally acceptable,' he said. 'I'm sure Nanny Ogg would be swinging right now. Come along, there's a lot of muscle in those rather thick arms, I'm-'
She swung.
He reached around from behind her and whisked the axe out of her arms.
'-sure,' he finished. 'We are also very, very fast.'
He tested the blade with his thumb. 'Blunt, I notice. My dear Miss Nitt, it may just be more trouble than it's worth to try to get rid of us, do you see? Now, old Magyrato there would not have made the kind of offer we are making to Lancre. Dear me, no. Are we ravaging across the country? No? Forcing our way into bedrooms? Certainly not. What's a little blood, for the good of the community? Of course Verence will have to be demoted a little but, let's face it, the man is rather more of a clerk than a king. And... our friends may find us grateful. What is the point of resisting?'
'Are vampires ever grateful?'
'We can learn.'
'You're just saying that in exchange for not actually being evil you'll simply be bad, is that it?'
'What we are saying, my dear, is that our time has come,' said a voice behind them.
They both turned.
The Count had stepped into the gallery. He was wearing a smoking jacket. There was an armed man strolling on either side of him.
'Oh dear, Vlad... Playing with your food? Good evening, Miss Nitt. We appear to have a mob at the gates, Vlad.'
'Really? That's exciting. I've never seen a real mob.'
'I wish your first could have been a better one,' said the Count, and sniffed. 'There's no passion in it. Still, it'd be too tiresome to let it go on all through dinner. I shall tell them to go away.'
The doors of the hall swung open without apparent aid.
'Shall we go and watch?' said Vlad.
'Er, I think I'll go and powder my, I'll just go and... I'll just be a minute,' said Agnes, backing away.
She darted down the little corridor that led to the small door, and drew the bolts.
'About time,' said Nanny, hurrying in. 'It's really clammy out here.'
'They've gone to look at the mob. But there's other vampires here, not just the guards! The rest must've come in on the carts! They're like... not quite servants but they take orders.'
'How many are there?' said Magrat.
'I haven't found out! Vlad is trying to get to know me better!'
'Good plan,' said Nanny. 'See if he talks in his sleep.'
'Nanny!'
'Let's see his lordship in action, shall we?' said Nanny. 'We can nip into the old guardroom alongside the door and look through the squint.'
'I want to get Verence!' said Magrat.