Carpe Jugulum (Discworld 23)

'Thorny. It'th been a buthy day...'

Nanny took the torch. The flames illuminated a crude sign nailed to a tree.

'"Don't go near the Castle!!"'Nanny read. 'Nice of them to put an arrow pointing the way to it, too.'

'Oh, the marthter did that,' said Igor. 'Otherwithe people wouldn't notithe it.'

Nanny peered into the gloom. 'And who's in the castle now?'

'A few thervantth.'

'Will they let us in?'

'That'th not a problem.' Igor fished in his noisome shirt and pulled out a very big key on a string.

'We're going to go into their castle?' said Magrat.

'Looks like it's the only place around,' said Nanny Ogg, heading up the track. 'The coach is wrecked. We're miles from anywhere else. Do you want to keep the baby out all night? A castle's a castle. It'll have locks. All the vampires are in Lancre. And-'

'Well?'

'It's what Esme would've done. I feels it in my blood.'

A little way off something howled. Nanny looked at Igor.

'Werewolf?' she said.

'That'th right.'

'Not a good idea to hang around, then.'

She pointed to a sign painted on a rock.

'"Don't take thif quickeft route to the Caftle,"'' she read aloud. 'You've got to admire a mind like that. Definitely a student of human nature.'

'Won't there be a lot of ways in?' said Magrat as they walked past a sign that said: 'Don't go Nere the Coach Park, 20 gds. on left.'

'Igor?' said Nanny.

'Vampireth uthed to fight amongtht themthelveth,' said Igor. 'There'th only one way in.'

'Oh, all right, if we must,' said Magrat. 'You take the rocker, and the used nappy bag. And the teddies. And the thing that goes round and round and plays noises when she pulls the string-'

A sign near the drawbridge said, 'Laft chance not to Go near the Caftle', and Nanny Ogg laughed and laughed.

'The Count's not going to be very happy about you, Igor,' she said, as he unlocked the doors.

'Thod him,' he said. 'I'm going to pack up my thtuff and head for Blintth. There'th alwayth a job for an Igor up there. More lightning thtriketh per year than anywhere in the mountainth, they thay.'

Nanny Ogg wiped her eye. 'Good job we're soaked already,' she said. 'All right, let's get in. And, Igor, if you haven't been thtraight with us, sorry, straight with us, I'll have your guts for garters.'

Igor looked down bashfully. 'Oh, that'th more than a man could pothibly hope for,' he murmured.

Magrat giggled and Igor pushed open the door and hurriedly shuffled inside.

'What?' said Nanny.

'Haven't you noticed the looks he's been giving you?' said Magrat, as they followed the lurching figure.