Carpe Jugulum (Discworld 23)

'We were thrown all over the place! Where the hell are we? Is this Slake?'

A match flared and Igor lit a torch.

'We're near the cathle,' he said.

'Whose?'

'The Magpyrth'.'

'We're near the vampires' castle?'

'Yeth. I think the old marthter did thomething to the road here. The wheelth alwayth come off, ath thure ath eggth ith eggth. Bringth in the vithitorth, he thed.'

'It didn't occur to you to mention it?' said Nanny, climbing out and giving Magrat a hand.

'Thorny. It'th been a buthy day...'

Nanny took the torch. The flames illuminated a crude sign nailed to a tree.

'"Don't go near the Castle!!"'Nanny read. 'Nice of them to put an arrow pointing the way to it, too.'

'Oh, the marthter did that,' said Igor. 'Otherwithe people wouldn't notithe it.'

Nanny peered into the gloom. 'And who's in the castle now?'

'A few thervantth.'

'Will they let us in?'

'That'th not a problem.' Igor fished in his noisome shirt and pulled out a very big key on a string.

'We're going to go into their castle?' said Magrat.

'Looks like it's the only place around,' said Nanny Ogg, heading up the track. 'The coach is wrecked. We're miles from anywhere else. Do you want to keep the baby out all night? A castle's a castle. It'll have locks. All the vampires are in Lancre. And-'

'Well?'

'It's what Esme would've done. I feels it in my blood.'

A little way off something howled. Nanny looked at Igor.

'Werewolf?' she said.

'That'th right.'

'Not a good idea to hang around, then.'

She pointed to a sign painted on a rock.

'"Don't take thif quickeft route to the Caftle,"'' she read aloud. 'You've got to admire a mind like that. Definitely a student of human nature.'

'Won't there be a lot of ways in?' said Magrat as they walked past a sign that said: 'Don't go Nere the Coach Park, 20 gds. on left.'

'Igor?' said Nanny.

'Vampireth uthed to fight amongtht themthelveth,' said Igor. 'There'th only one way in.'

'Oh, all right, if we must,' said Magrat. 'You take the rocker, and the used nappy bag. And the teddies. And the thing that goes round and round and plays noises when she pulls the string-'