The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"But they"ve only got a quarter of the brains, so it"s just the same, like I said - "

The noise they heard was long and drawn out and menacing. It was the sound of LanceConstable Bluejohn"s chair being pushed back.

The floor creaked as he shambled past Colon, removed his helmet from its peg with one enormous hand and headed for the door.

"m goin" on patrol," he mumbled.

"You"re not on patrol for another hour," said Constable Visit.

"m goin" now," said Bluejohn. The room was darkened for a moment as he eclipsed the doorway, and then he was gone.

"Why"s everyone so tetchy all of a sudden?" said Colon. The remaining constables tried not to catch his eye.

"Did I hear someone snigger?" he demanded.

"I didn"t hear anyone snigger, Barge," said Nobby.

"Oh? Oh? You think I"m a sergeant, do you, Corporal Nobbs?"

"No, Fred, I - oh, gawds..."

"I can see things have got pretty slack around here," said Captain Colon, an evil little gleam in his eye. "I bet you were all thinking, oh, it"s only fat old Fred Colon, it"s all going to be gravy from now on, eh?"

"Oh, Fred, no one thinks you"re old - oh, gawds..."

"Just fat, eh?" Fred glowered around the room. Suddenly, and against all previous evidence, everyone was vitally interested in their paperwork.

"Right! Well, from now on things are going to be different," said Captain Colon. "Oh, yes. I"m on to all your little tricks -  Who said that?"

"Said what, captain?" said Nobby, who"d also heard the little whispered "We learned "em all from you, sarge," but at this moment would eat live coals rather than admit it.

"Someone said something blotto voice," said Captain Colon.

"I"m sure they didn"t, captain," said Nobby.

"And I won"t be eyeballed like that, neither!"

"No one"s looking at you!" wailed Nobby.

"Aha, you think I don"t know that one?" Colon shouted. "There"s plenty of ways to eyeball someone without lookin" at "em, corporal. That man over there is earlobing me!"

"I think Constable Ping is just really interested in the report he"s writing, Fre - Sar -  Captain."

Colon"s ruffled feathers settled a little. "Well, all right. And now I"m going up to my office, all right? There"ll be some changes around here. And someone bring me a cup of tea."

They watched him go up the stairs, enter the office and slam the door.

"Well, the - " Constable Ping began, but Nobby, who had a lot more experience of the Colon personality, waved one hand frantically for silence while he held the other one to his ear, very theatrically.

Then they all heard the door click open again, quietly.

"A change is as good as a rest, I suppose," said Constable Ping.

"As the prophet Ossory says, better an ox in the potters" fields of Hersheba than a sandal in the wine presses of Gash," said Constable Visit.

"Yeah, so I"ve heard," said Nobby. "Well, I"ll just make him his tea. Everyone feels better after a cup of tea."

A couple of minutes later the constables heard Colon shouting, even through the door.