The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"A useful fact, your grace, which may possibly be helpful in the event of a tie-break, mmph, mmhm," said Inigo, his face carefully blank.

"We Igorth have alwayth preferred marthter," said Igor. "What wath it you were requiring?"

Vimes gestured towards the heads that covered every wall.

"I want them taken down as soon as possible. I can do this, can"t I, Mister Skimmer?"

"You are the ambassador, sir. Mmph, mmhm."

"Well, they"re coming down. All of them."

Igor gave the camphor-smelling multitude a worried look. "Even the thordfith?"

"Even the swordfish," said Vimes firmly.

"And the thnow leopardth?"

"Both of them, yes."

"What about the troll?"

"Especially the troll. See to it."

Igor could have been said to have looked as if his world had fallen down around his ears were it not for the fact that he already looked as if this had happened.

"What do you want to do with them, marthter?"

"That"s up to you. Throw them in the river, maybe. Ask Detritus about the troll... Maybe it should be buried or something. Is there any supper?"

"There"th fresh walago , noggit , thclott , thwinefleth and thauthageth," said Igor, still clearly upset about the trophies. "I"ll thop tomorrow, if her ladythip giveth me inthtructionth."

"Is swineflesh the same as pork?" said Vimes. People in drought-stricken areas would have paid good money to have Igor pronounce "sausages".

"Yes," said Inigo.

"And what"s in the sausages?"

"Er... meat?" said Igor, looking as though he was ready to run.

"Good. We"ll give them a try."

Vimes went upstairs and followed the sound of conversation until he reached a bedroom, where Sybil was laying clothes on a bed the size of a small country. Cheery was assisting her.

The walls were carved panels of wood. The bed was carved panels of wood. And the mad fretworker had been hard at work here, too. Only the floors weren"t wood; they were stone, and radiated cold.

"It"s a bit like the inside of a cuckoo clock, isn"t it?" said Sybil. "Cheery has volunteered to be my lady"s maid for now."

Cheery saluted.

"Why not?" said Vimes. After a day like this, a lady"s maid with a long flowing beard seemed perfectly normal.

"The floors are a bit chilly, though. Tomorrow I"ll measure up for some carpets," said Sybil firmly. "I know we won"t be here long, but we ought to leave something for the next people."

"Yes, dear. That would be a good idea."

"There"s a bathroom through there," said Sybil, nodding. "There"s hot springs near here, apparently. They pipe them in. You"ll feel better for a hot bath."

Ten minutes later Vimes was happy to agree. The water was a funny colour and smelled a little of what he would politely call bad eggs, but it was good and hot and he could feel it drawing the tension out of his muscles.