The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"Commander Vimes?"

He turned. In the gloom he could make out several dwarfs, each with a candle fixed to his helmet. In front of them was, presumably, another dwarf.

He"d seen dwarfs like this in Ankh-Morpork, but always scurrying away. This was a deep-down dwarf.

The robe it was wearing was made of overlapping leather plates. Instead of the small round iron helmet which Vimes had always thought dwarfs were born with, it had a pointed leather hat with more leather flaps all round it. The one at the front had been tied up, to allow the wearer to look out at the world, or at least that part of it that was underground. The general effect was of a mobile cone.

"Er, yes, that"s me," said Vimes.

"Welcome to Schmaltzberg, your excellency. I am the King"s jar"ahk"haga, which in your language you would call - "

But Vimes"s lips had been moving fast as he tried to translate.

"Ideas... taster?" he said.

"Hah! That would be a way of putting it, yes. My name is Dee. Would you care to follow me? This should not take long."

The figure swept away. One of the other dwarfs prodded Vimes very gently, indicating that he should follow.

The sound from far below redoubled. Someone was yelling.

"Is there a problem?" said Vimes, catching up with the fast-moving Dee.

"We have no problems."

Ah, he"s already lied to me, thought Vimes. We"re being diplomatic.

Vimes trailed after the dwarf through more caves. Or tunnels... it was hard to tell, because in the darkness Vimes could only rely on a sense of the space around him. Occasionally they passed the lighted entrance to another cave or tunnel. Several guards, with candles on their helmets, stood at each one.

The well-honed copper"s radar was beeping at him continuously. Something bad was going on. He could smell the tension, the sense of quiet panic. The air was thick with it. Occasionally other dwarfs scuttled past, distracted, on some mission. Something very bad. People didn"t know what to do next, so they were trying to do everything. And, in the middle of this, important officers had to stop what they were doing because some idiot from some distant city had to hand over a piece of paper.

Eventually a door opened in the darkness. It led into a large, roughly oblong cave that, with its book-lined walls and paper-strewn tables, had the look of an office about it.

"Do be seated, commander."

A match burst into life. One candle was lit, all lost and alone in the dark.

"We try to make guests feel welcome," said Dee, scuttling behind his desk. He pulled off his pointed hat and, to Vimes"s amazement, put on a pair of thick smoked glasses.

"You had papers?" he said. Vimes handed them over.

"It says here "His Grace"," the dwarf said, after reading them for a while.

"Yes, that"s me."

"And there"s a sir."

"That"s me, too."

"And an excellency."

"fraid so." Vimes narrowed his eyes. "I was blackboard monitor for a while, too."

There was the sound of angry voices from behind a door at the far end of the room.

"What does a blackboard monitor do?" said Dee, raising his voice.

"What? Er, I had to clean the blackboard after lessons."