The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"Did you just say that last bit?" said Vimes, awash on a sea of diplomacy and damp trousers.

"Absolutely not. You know their Scone of Stone has been stolen?"

"They say it hasn"t," said Vimes.

"Do you believe them?"

No.

"The coronation cannot go ahead vithout it, did you know that?"

"We"ll have to wait until they bake another one?" said Vimes.

"No. There vill be no more Low Kings," said Lady Margolotta. "Legitimacy, you see. The Scone represents continuity all the vay to B"hrian Bloodaxe. They say he sat on it while it is still soft and left his impression, as it were."

"You mean kingship has passed from bubackside to backside?"

"Humans believe in crowns, don"t they?"

"Yes, but at least they"re at the other end!"

"Thrones, then." Lady Margolotta sighed. "People set such store by strange things. Crowns. Relics. Garlic. Anyway, there vill be a civil var over the leadership which Albrecht will surely vin, and he"ll cease all trading with Ankh-Morpork. Did you know that? He thinks the place is evil."

"I know it is," said Vimes. "And I live there."

"I"ve heard that he plans to declare all dwarfs there d"hrarak," the vampire went on. Vimes heard Cheery gasp. "It means "not dwarfs"."

"That"s very big of him," said Vimes. "I shouldn"t think our lads"ll worry about that."

"Um," said Cheery.

"Quite so. The young lady looks vorried, and you"d do vell to listen to her, Sir Samuel."

"Excuse me," said Vimes, "but what is all this to you?"

"You really don"t drink at all, Sir Samuel?"

No.

"Not even vun?"

"No," said Vimes, more sharply. "You"d know that if you knew anything about - "

"Yet you keep half a bottle in your bottom drawer as a sort of permanent test," said Lady Margolotta. "Now that, Sir Samuel, suggests a man who vears his hair shirts on the inside."

"I want to know who"s been saying all this!"

Lady Margolotta sighed. Vimes got the impression that he"d failed another test. "I am rich, Sir Samuel. Vampires tend to be. Didn"t you know? Lord Vetinari, I know, believes that information is currency. But everyvun knows that currency has alvays been information. Money doesn"t need to talk, it merely has to listen."

She stopped and sat watching Vimes, as if she"d suddenly decided to listen. Vimes moved uncomfortably under the steady gaze.

"How is Havelock Vetinari?" she said.

"The Patrician? Oh... fine."

"He must be quite old now."

"I"ve never really been certain how old he is," said Vimes. "About my age, I suppose."