The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"Sir, it"s considered good manners, if one of the Igors has helped you, to put it in your will that they can help themselves to any... parts that might help someone else. They never ask for any money. People just carry little cards. They"re very respected in Uberwald. Very good men with a scalpel and a needle. It"s a kind of vocation, really."

"But they"re covered in scars and stitches!"

"They won"t do to anyone else what they"re not prepared to try on themselves."

Vimes decided to explore the full horror of this. It took his mind off the missing trophies. "Are there any... Igorinas? Igorettes?"

"Well, any Igor is considered a good catch for a young lady..."

"He is?"

"And their daughters tend to be very attractive."

"Eyes at the same height, that sort of thing?"

"Oh, yes."

But the door, when it was finally opened in response to impatient knocking, revealed not the switchback features of Igor but the business end of Detritus"s crossbow, which was marginally worse.

"It"s us, sergeant," said Vimes.

The crossbow was removed, and the door opened further.

"Sorry, sir, but you said I was to be on guard," said Detritus.

"There"s no need to - "

"Igor"s been hurt, sir."

Igor was sitting in the huge kitchen, a bandage round his head. Lady Sybil was fussing over him.

"I went to look for him a couple of hours ago and there he was, flat on the snow," she said. She leaned closer to Sam Vimes. "He doesn"t remember very much."

"Can you recall what you were doing, old chap?" said Vimes, sitting down.

Igor gave him a bleary look. "Well, thur, I went out to unpack the foodthtuffth from the other coach, and I"d jutht got hold of thomething and then all the lightth went out, thur. I reckon I mutht"ve thlipped."

"Or someone hit you?"

Igor shrugged. For a moment both of his shoulders were at the same level.

"There"s nothing on the coach worth stealing!" said Lady Sybil.

"Not unless someone was dying for a knuckle sandwich," said Vimes. "Was anything taken?"

"I checked everyt"ing against der list her ladyship gave me, sir," said Detritus, meeting Vimes"s gaze. "Dere wasn"t anyfing missing, sir."

"I"ll just go and take a look for myself," said Vimes.

When they were outside he walked over to the coach and looked at the snow around it. The cobbles were visible here and there. Then he looked up at the grating.

"All right, Detritus," he said. "Talk to me."

"Just a feelin", sir," rumbled the troll. "I know "fick" is my middle name..."

"I didn"t know you had a first name, sergeant."

"I don"t fink dis was one of dem accidents dat happens by accident."