The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

A man was sprawled on the cobbles, with a woman kneeling beside him. She looked tearfully at Vimes and said something in Uberwaldean. All he could do was nod.

Wolfgang jumped down from a perch on top of the statue to Bad Sculpting and landed a few yards away, grinning.

"Mister Civilized! You want another game?"

"You see this badge I"m holding up?" said Vimes.

"It"s a very small one!"

"But you see it?"

"Yes, I see your little badge!" Wolfgang started to move sideways, arms hanging loosely by his sides.

"And I"m armed. Did you hear me tell you I"m armed?"

"With that silly bow?"

"But you just heard me say I"m armed, yes?" said Vimes, loudly, turning to face the moving werewolf. He puffed on his cigar, letting a glow build up.

"Yes! Is this what you call civilized?"

Vimes grinned. "Yes, this is how we do it."

"My way is better!"

"And now you"re under arrest," said Vimes. "Come along and make no fuss and we"ll tie you securely and hand you over to whatever passes for justice around here. I realize this may be difficult."

"Hah! Your Ankh-Morpork sense of humour!"

"Yes, any minute now I"ll drop my trousers. So, you"re resisting arrest?"

"Why these stupid questions?" Now Wolfgang was almost dancing.

"Are you resisting arrest?"

"Yes indeed! Oh yes! Good joke!"

"Look at me laughing."

Vimes tossed the crossbow aside and swung a tube out from under his cloak. It was made of cardboard and a red cone protruded from one end.

"A stupid silly firework!" shouted Wolfgang, and charged.

"Could be," said Vimes.

He didn"t bother to aim. These things were never designed for accuracy or speed. He simply removed his cigar from his mouth and, as Wolfgang ran towards him, pressed it into the fuse hole.

The mortar jerked as the charge went off and its payload came tumbling out slowly and trailing smoke in a lazy spiral. It looked like the stupidest weapon since the toffee spear.

Wolfgang danced back and forth under it, grinning, and as it passed several feet over his head he leapt up gracefully and caught it in his mouth.

And then it exploded.

The flares were made to be seen twenty miles away. Even with his eyes tightly shut, Vimes saw the glare through his lids.

When the body had stopped rolling, Vimes looked around the square. People were watching from the coaches. The crowds were silent.

There were a lot of things he could say. "Son of a bitch!" would have been a good one. Or he could say, "Welcome to civilization!" He could have said, "Laugh this one off!" He might have said, "Fetch!"