The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"Thee?" said his father. "Thorry about thith, your grathe, but thith ith the younger generation for you. I hope you can find a job for him in the big thity, "coth he"th totally unemployable in Uberwald. But he"th a very good thurgeon, even if - he doeth have funny ideath. He"th got hith grandfather"th handth, you know."

"I can see the scars," said Vimes.

"Lucky little devil, they thould have been mine by rightth, but he wath old enough to go into the lottery."

"You want to join the Watch, Igor?" said Vimes.

"Yes, sir. I believe Ankh-Morpork is where the future lies, thur."

His father leaned closer to Vimes. "We don"t menthion hith thlight thpeech impediment, marthter," he whispered. "Of courthe, it countth againtht him here, you know, in the Igor buthineth, but I"m thure people will be kind to him in Ankh-Morpork."

"Yes, indeed," said Vimes, removing his handkerchief and absentmindedly dabbing his ear. "And, er... this rabbit?"

"He"s Eerie, thur," said young Igor.

"Good name. Good name. Is that why he"s got human ears all over his back?"

"Early experiment, thur."

"And, er, the noses?"

There were about a dozen of them in a large screwtop pickle jar. And they were... just noses. Not cut off anyone, as far as Vimes could see. They had little legs and were jumping hopefully up and down against the glass, like puppies in a pet shop window. He thought he could hear faint "wheel" noises.

"The wave of the future, thur," said young Igor. "I grow them in special vats. I can do eyes and fingers, too!"

"But they"ve got little legs!"

"Oh, they wither off in a few hours after they"re attached, thur. And they want to be useful, my little noses. Bio-artificing for the next century, thur. None of that outmoded cutting up of old bodies - "

His father smacked his head again. "You thee? You thee? Where"th the point in that? Wathtrel! I hope you can do thomething with him, marthter, becauthe I"ve jutht about given up! Not worth breaking down for thpareth, ath we thay!"

Vimes sighed. Still, losing small extremities was a daily hazard in the Watch and the lad was, after all, an Igor. It wasn"t as if there were any normal people in the Watch. He could afford to put up with a nose-breeder in exchange for surgery that didn"t involve screaming and buckets of boiling pitch.

He indicated a box beside the young man. It was growling and rocking from side to side.

"You haven"t got a dog too, have you?" he said, trying to make it sound like a joke.

"That"s my tomatoes," said young Igor. "A triumph of modern igoring. They grow enormously."

"Only becauthe they vithiouthly attack all other vegetableth!" said his father. "But I"ll thay thith for the lad, marthter, I"ve never known anyone like him for really tiny thtitching."

"All right, all right, he sounds the man I"m looking for," said Vimes. "Or close, at least. Take a seat, young man. I just hope there"s going to be room in the coaches..."

The door to the yard swung open, blowing in a few snowflakes and Carrot, who stamped his feet.

"A bit of snow overnight but the road looks open," he said. "They say there"s a really big one due tonight, though, so we - 0h, good morning, sir."

"You"re fit enough to travel?". said Vimes.

"We both are," said Angua. She crossed the hall and stood next to Carrot.

Once again Vimes was aware of a lot of words that he hadn"t heard. A wise man didn"t make enquiries at a time like this. Besides, Vimes could feel the cold coming up through his feet.

He reached a decision. "Give me your notebook, captain," he said.

They watched him scribble a few lines.

"Stop at the clacks tower and send a message on to the Yard," he said, handing it back to Carrot. "Tell them you"re on the way. Take young Igor here with you and get him settled in, Okay? And make a report to his lordship."