The Truth (Discworld 25)

'Uh... why does your partner keep saying ' 'ing' ', Mr Pin?' said a chair.

'You must be out of your --ing minds!' Tulip growled.

'Speech impediment,' said Pin. 'A werewolf? Thank you for telling us. Thank you very much. They're worse than vampires when they're on the trail! You do know that, do you?'

'You were recommended to us as men of resource.'

'Expensive men of resource,' said Mr Pin.

A chair sighed. There are seldom any other kind. Very well, very well. Mr Slant will discuss this with you.'

'Yeah, but they've got a sense a' smell that you wouldn't believe,' Mr Tulip went on. 'Money's no use to a --ing dead man.'

'Are there any other surprises?' said Mr Pin. 'You've got bright watchmen and one of 'em's a werewolf. Anything else? They've got trolls too?'

'Oh, yes. Several. And dwarfs. And zombies.'

'In a Watch? What kind of a city are you running here?'

'We are not running the city,' said a chair.

'But we care about the way it is going,' said another.

'Ah,' said Mr Pin. 'Right. I remember. You are concerned citizens.' He knew about concerned citizens. Wherever they were, they all spoke the same private language, where 'traditional values' meant 'hang someone'. He did not have a problem with this, broadly speaking, but it never hurt to understand your employer.

'You could have got someone else,' he said. 'You've got a guild of Assassins here.'

A chair made a sucking sound between its teeth.

'The trouble with the city at present,' it said, 'is that a number of otherwise intelligent people find the status quo... convenient, even though it will undoubtedly ruin the city.'

'Ah,' said Mr Pin. They are unconcerned citizens.'

'Precisely, gentlemen.'

There's a lot of them?'

The chair ignored this.

'We look forward to seeing you again, gentlemen. Tomorrow night. When, I trust, you will announce your readiness. Good evening.'

The circle of chairs was silent for a while after the New Firm had left. Then a black-clad figure entered soundlessly through the big doors, approached the light, nodded and hurried away.

'They're well outside the building,' said a chair.

'What ghastly people.'

'We should have used the Assassins' Guild, though.'

'Hah! They've done rather well out of Vetinari. In any case, we do not want him dead. However, it occurs to me that we may eventually have a job for the Guild, later on.'

'Quite so. When our friends have safely left the city... the roads can be so dangerous at this time of year.'

'No, gentlemen. We will stick to our plan. The one called Charlie will be kept around until everything is entirely settled, in case he can be of further use, and then our gentlemen will take him a long, long way away to, hah, pay him off. Perhaps later we will call the Assassins in, just in case Mr Pin has any clever ideas.'

'Good point. Although it does seem such a waste. The things one could do with Charlie...'

'I told you, it would not work. The man is a clown.'