The Truth (Discworld 25)

'And the thing with the puppies and that kid?'

'He does now,' said Mr Pin. 'He knows nearly everything. Very

clever. You believe you know where the bodies are buried, Mr Slant?'

'I've talked to one or two of them,' said Mr Slant. 'But it would appear that you have never committed a crime within Ankh-Morpork, otherwise of course I could not talk to you.'

'Who says we've never committed a --ing crime in Ankh-Morpork?' Mr Tulip demanded in an offended tone.

'As I understand it, you have never been to this city before.'

'Well? We've had all --ing day!'

'Have you been caught?' said Mr Slant.

'No!'

Then you have committed no crime. May I express the hope that your business here does not involve any kind of criminal activity?'

'Perish the thought,' said Mr Pin.

'The City Watch here are quite dogged in some respects. And the various Guilds jealously guard their professional territories.'

'We hold the police in high regard,' said Mr Pin. 'We have a great respect for the work they do.'

'We --ing love policemen,' said Mr Tulip.

'If there was a policemen's ball, we would be among the first to buy a ticket,' said Mr Pin.

' 'specially if it was mounted on a plinth, or a little display stand of some sort,' said Mr Tulip, ' 'cos we like beautiful things.'

'I just wanted to be sure that we understood one another,' said Mr Slant, snapping his case closed. He stood up, nodding to them, and walked stiffly out of the room.

'What a--' Mr Tulip began, but Mr Pin raised a finger to his lips. He crossed silently to the door and opened it. The lawyer had gone.

'He knows what we're --ing here for,' Mr Tulip whispered hotly. 'What's he --ing pretending for?'

'Because he's a lawyer,' said Mr Pin. 'Nice place, this,' he added, in a slightly over-loud voice.

Mr Tulip looked around. 'Nah,' he said dismissively. 'I fort that at the start, but it's just a late eighteenth-century copy of the --ing Baroque Style. They got the dimensions all wrong. Didja see them pillars in the hall? Didja? --ing sixth-century Ephebian with

Second-Empire Djelibeybian --ing finials! It was all I could do not to laugh,'

'Yes,' said Mr Pin. 'As I have remarked before, Mr Tulip, in many ways you are a very unexpected man.'

Mr Tulip walked over to a shrouded picture and tweaked the cloth aside.

'Well, -- me, it's a --ing da Quirm,' he said. 'I seen a print of it. Woman Holding Ferret. He did it just after he moved from Genua and was influenced by --ing Caravati. Look at that --ing brushwork, will ya? See the way the line of the hand draws the --ing eye into the picture? Look at the quality of the light on the landscape you can see through the --ing window there. See the way the ferret's nose follows you around the room? That's --ing genius, that is. I don't mind telling you that if I was here by myself I'd be in --ing tears.'

'It's very pretty.'

'Pretty?' said Mr Tulip, despairing of his colleague's taste. He walked over to a statue by the door and stared hard at it, then ran his fingers lightly across the marble.

'I fort so! This is a --ing Scolpini! I'd bet anything. But I've never seen it in a catalogue. And it's been left in an empty house, where anyone could just --ing walk in and nick it!'

This place is under powerful protection. You saw the seals on the door.'

'Guilds? Bunch of --ing amateurs. We could go through this place like a hot knife through --ing thin ice and you know it. Amateurs and rocks and lawn ornaments and dead men walking about... We could knock this --ing city over.'