The Truth (Discworld 25)

'Sounds just the thing we're looking for,' said Mr Pin.

'And how will you be paying?' said the wizard.

Mr Pin snapped his fingers. Mr Tulip drew himself up and out, squared his shoulders and cracked knuckles that were like two bags of pink walnuts.

'Before we --ing talk about paying,' said Mr Tulip, 'we want to talk to the bloke that wrote that --ing warranty.'

What William now had to think of as his office had changed quite a lot. The old laundry fixings, dismembered rocking horses and other rubbish had been spirited away and two desks stood back to back in the middle of the floor. ;Well?'

'Oh... nothing.' William carefully changed this to 'Loose Covers for stools', which was barely an improvement, and continued to read with the air of a jungle explorer who might expect any kind of exotic beast to spring out of the peaceful undergrowth. The story concluded:

' "However, everyone's Spirits were Dampened when a naked man, hotly pursued by Members of the Watch, burst through the Window and ran around the Room, causing much Disarray of the Tarts before being Apprehended by the Trifles. The meeting

closed at 9 p.m. Mrs Rivers thanked all Members."'

'What do you think?' said Sacharissa, with just a hint of nervousness.

'You know,' said William, in a sort of distant voice, 'I think it is quite likely that it would be impossible to improve this piece in any way. Um... what would you say was the most important thing that happened at the meeting?'

Her hand flew to her mouth in dismay. 'Oh, yes! I forgot to put that in! Mrs Flatter won first prize for her sponge! She's been runner-up for six years, too.'

William stared at the wall. 'Well done,' he said. 'I should put that in, if I was you. But you could drop in at the Watch House in Dolly Sisters and ask about the naked man--'

'I shall do no such thing! Respectable women don't have anything to do with the Watch!'

'I meant, ask why he was being chased, of course.'

'But why should I do that?'

William tried to put words around a vague idea. 'People will want to know,' he said.

'But won't the Watch mind me asking?'

'Well, they're our Watch. I don't see why they should. And perhaps you could find some more really old people to ask about the weather? Who is the oldest inhabitant in the city?'

'I don't know. One of the wizards, I expect.'

'Could you go to the University and ask him if he remembers it ever being colder than this?'

'Is this where you put things in the paper?' said a voice at the doorway.

It belonged to a small man with a beaming red face, one of those people blessed with the permanent expression of someone who has just heard a rather saucy joke.

'Only I grew this carrot,' he went on, 'and I reckon it's grown into a very interesting shape. Eh? What d'you think, eh? Talk about a giggle, eh? I took it down the pub and everyone was killin' 'emselves! They said I should put it in your paper!'

He held it aloft. It was a very interesting shape. And William went a very interesting shade.

'That's a very strange carrot,' said Sacharissa, eyeing it critically. 'What do you think, Mr de Worde?'

'Er... er... you go along to the University, why don't you? And I'll see to this... gentleman,' said William, when he felt he could speak again.

'My wife couldn't stop laughin'!'

'What a lucky man you are, sir,' said William solemnly.

'It's a shame you can't put pictures in your paper, eh?'

'Yes, but I think I may be in enough trouble already,' said William, opening his notebook.