A... . thing occupied the doorway. There was a tripod. There was a pair of skinny, black-clad legs behind it and a large black box on top of it. One black-clad arm extended out from behind the box and was holding a sort of small hod, which was smoking.
'Nice vun,' said a voice from behind the box. The light vas shinink so good off the dvarf's helmet, I could not resist it. You vanted an iconographer? My name is Otto Chriek.'
'Oh. Yes?' said Sacharissa. 'Are you any good?'
'I am a vizard in zer darkroom. I am experimenting all the time,' said Otto Chriek. 'And I have all my own eqvipment and also a keen and positive attitude!'
'Sacharissa!' hissed William urgently.
'We could probably start you at a dollar a day--'
'Sacharissa!'
'Yes? What?'
'He's a vampire!'
'I object most stronkly,' said the hidden Otto. 'It iss such an easy assumption to believe that everyvun with an Uberwald accent is a vampire, is it not? There are many thousands of people from Uberwald who are not vampires!'
William waved his hand aimlessly, trying to shrug off the embarrassment. 'All right, I'm sorry, but--'
'I am a vampire, as it happens,' Otto went on. 'But if I had said "Hello my cheeky cock sparrow mate old boy by crikey" vot vould you have said zen, eh?'
'We'd have been completely taken in,' said William.
'Anyvay, your notice did say "vanted", so I thought it vas, you know, affirmative action,' said Otto. 'Alzo, I have zis...' A thin, blue-veined hand was held up, gripping a small twist of shiny black ribbon.
'Oh? You've signed the pledge?' said Sacharissa.
'At the Meeting Rooms in Abattoirs Lane,' said Otto triumphantly, 'vhere I attend every veek for our big singsong and tea and a bun and wholesome conversation on themes of positive reinforcement keeping off the whole subject of bodily fluids by strict instruction. I am not any longer any stupid sucker!'
'What do you think, Mr Goodmountain?' said William.
Goodmountain scratched his nose. 'It's up to you,' he said. 'If he
tries anything with my lads he'll be looking for his legs. What's this pledge?'
'It's the Uberwald Temperance Movement,' said Sacharissa. 'A vampire signs up and forswears any human blood--'
Otto shuddered. 'Ve prefer "zer b-vord",' he said.
'The b-word,' Sacharissa corrected herself. The movement is becoming very popular. They know it's the only chance they've got.'
'Well... okay,' said William. He was uneasy about vampires himself, but turning the newcomer down after all this would be like kicking a puppy. 'Do you mind setting up your stuff in the cellar?'
'A cellar?' said Otto. Top hole!'
First the dwarfs had come, William thought as he went back to his desk. They'd been insulted because of their diligence and because of their height, but they had kept their heads down* and prospered. Then the trolls had come, and they got on a little better, because people don't throw as many stones at creatures seven feet tall who could throw rocks back. Then the zombies had come out of.the casket. One or two werewolves had crept in under the door. The gnomes had integrated quickly, despite a bad start, because they were tough and even more dangerous to cross than a troll; at least a troll couldn't run up your trouser leg. There weren't that many species left.
The vampires had never made it. They weren't sociable, even amongst themselves, they didn't think as a species, they were unpleasantly weird and they sure as hell didn't have their own food shops.
So now it was dawning on some of the brighter ones that the only way people would accept vampires was if they stopped being vampires. That was a large price to pay for social acceptability, but perhaps not so large as the one that involved having your head cut off and your ashes scattered on the river. A life of steak tartare wasn't too bad if you compared it with a death of stake au naturelle.+
Which was not hard, as unkind people pointed out. .
In any case, anyone eating raw steak from an Ankh-Morpork slaughterhouse was embarking on a life of danger and excitement that should satisfy anyone.
'Er, I think we'd like to see who we're employing, though,' William said aloud.