'Aaarghaarghaargh
A screaming vampire is always the centre of attention. William slipped into the Oblong Office.
Just inside the door was a chalk outline. In coloured chalk. It must have been done by Corporal Nobbs, because he was the only person who would add a pipe and draw in some flowers and clouds.
There was also a stink of peppermint. ;Put a title like "Letters" on the top and put them in,' said William. 'Except the one about the dwarfs. That sounds like Mr Windling. It sounds like my father, too, except that at least he can spell "undesirable" and wouldn't use crayon.'
'Why not that letter?'
'Because it's offensive.'
'Some people think it's true, though,' said Sacharissa. 'There's been a lot of trouble.'
'Yes, but we shouldn't print it.'
William called Goodmountain over and showed him the letter. The dwarf read it.
'Put it in,' he suggested. 'It'll fill a few inches.'
'But people will object,' said William.
'Good. Put their letters in, too.'
Sacharissa sighed. 'We'll probably need them,' she said. 'William, grandfather says no one in the Guild will engrave the iconographs for us.'
'Why not? We can afford the rates.'
'We're not Guild members. It's all getting unpleasant. Will you tell Otto?'
William sighed and walked over to the ladder.
The dwarfs used the cellar as a bedroom, being naturally happier with a floor over their heads. Otto had been allowed to use a dank corner, which he'd made his own by hanging an old sheet across on a rope.
'Oh, hello, Mr Villiam,' he said, pouring something noxious from one bottle into another.
'I'm afraid it looks as if we won't get anyone to engrave your pictures,' said William.
The vampire seemed unmoved by this. 'Yes, I vundered about zat.'
'So I'm sorry to say that--'
'No problem, Mr Villiam. Zere is alvays a yay.'
'How? You can't engrave, can you?'
'No, but... all ve are printing is black and vite, yes? And zer
paper is vite zo all ve are really printink is black, okay? I looked at how zer dvarfs do zer letters, and zey haf all zese bits of metal lying around and... you know how zer engravers can engrave metal viz acid?'
'Yes?'
'Zo, all I haf to do is teach zer imps to paint viz acid. End of problem. Getting grey took a bit of thought, but I zink I haf--'
'You mean you can get the imps to etch the picture straight on to a plate?'
'Yes. It is vun of those ideas that are obvious ven you zink about it.' Otto looked wistful. 'And I zink about light all zer time. All zer... time.'
William vaguely remembered something someone had once said: the only thing more dangerous than a vampire crazed with blood lust was a vampire crazed with anything else. All the meticulous single-mindedness that went into finding young women who slept with their bedroom window open was channelled into some other interest, with merciless and painstaking efficiency.