The Truth (Discworld 25)

'Official robbery?' said Mr Tulip slowly.

'Ah, you're visitors to our fair city?' said the thief. Then this is

your lucky day, sir and... sir. A theft of twenty-five dollars entitles you to immunity from further street theft for a period of a full six months plus, for this week only, the choice of this handsome box of crystal wine glasses or a useful set of barbecue tools which will be the envy of your friends,'

'You mean... you're legal?' said Mr Pin.

'What --ing friends?' said Mr Tulip.

'Yes, sir. Lord Vetinari feels that since there'll always be some crime in the city, it might as well be organized,'

Mr Tulip and Mr Pin looked at one another.

'Well, "Legal" is my middle name,' said Mr Pin, shrugging. 'Over to you, Mr Tulip,'

'And since you are newcomers I can offer you an introductory hundred-dollar theft, which will give you subsequent immunity for a full twenty-six months plus this booklet of restaurant, livery hire, clothing and entertainment vouchers worth a full twenty-five dollars at today's prices. Your neighbours will admire--'

Mr Tulip's arm moved in a blur. One banana-bunch hand caught the thief around the neck and slammed his head against the wall.

'Unfortunately, Mr Tulip's middle name is "Bastard",' said Mr Pin, lighting a cigarette. The meaty sounds of his colleague's permanent anger continued behind him as he picked up the wine glasses and examined them critically.

Teh... cheap paste, not crystal at all,' he said. 'Who can you trust these days? It makes you despair,'

The body of the thief slumped to the ground.

'I think I'll go for the --ing barbecue set,' said Mr Tulip, stepping over it. 'I see here where it contains a number of oh-so-useful skewers and spatulas that will add a --ing new dimension of enjoyment to those al fresco patio meals,'

He ripped open the box and dragged out a blue and white apron, which he examined critically.

' "Kill the Cook!!!" ' he said, slipping it over his head. 'Hey, this is classy stuff. I'll have to get some --ing friends so's they can envy me when I'm having a meal with --ing Al Fresco. How about them --ing vouchers?'

There's never any good stuff in these things,' said Mr Pin. 'It's just

a way of shifting stuff no one can sell. See here... "25% off Happy Hour Prices at Furby's Castle of Cabbage".' He tossed the booklet aside.

'Not bad, though,' said Mr Tulip. 'And he only had twenty dollars on him, so it's a --ing bargain.'

I'll be glad when we leave this place,' said Mr Pin. 'It's too strange. Let's just frighten the dead man and get out of here.'

'Eyinnngg... GUT!'

The cry of the wild newspaper seller rang out across the twilit square as William set off back to Gleam Street. They were still selling well, he could see.

It was only by accident, as a citizen hurried past him, that he saw the headline:

WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO COBRA

Surely Sacharissa hadn't got out another edition by herself, had she? He ran back to the seller.

It wasn't the Times. The title, in big bold type that was rather better than the stuff the dwarfs made, was:

'What's all this?' he said to the seller, who was socially above Ron's group by several layers of grime.

'All this what?'

'All this thisV The stupid interview with Drumknott had left William very annoyed.

'Don't ask me, guv. I get a penny for every one I sell, that's all I know.'