The Truth (Discworld 25)

'Good. And you will have one of your special quiet words with the Engravers' Guild. You are good at quiet words.'

'Well, of course I will do my best. The bill, however--'

'--won't exist,' said William.

Only then did Mr Slant's parchment features really crease up in pain.

'Pro bono publico?' he croaked.

'Oh, yes. You will certainly be working for the public good,' said William. 'And what is good for the public, of course, is good for you. Isn't that nice?'

'On the other hand,' said Mr Slant, 'perhaps it would be in the interests of everyone to put this sorry affair behind us, and I will be, uh, happy to donate my services.'

Thank you. Mr Scrope is now Lo-- is now the Patrician?'

'Yes.'

'By the vote of the Guilds?'

'Yes. Of course.'

The unanimous vote?'

'I don't have to tell--'

William raised a finger. 'Ah?' he said.

Mr Slant squirmed. The Beggars and the Seamstresses voted to adjourn,' he said. 'So did the Launderers and the Guild of Exotic Dancers.'

'So... that would be Queen Molly, Mrs Palm, Mrs Manger and Miss Dixie Voom,' said William. 'What an interesting life Lord Vetinari must have led.'

'No comment.'

'And would you say Mr Scrope is looking forward to getting to grips with the manifold problems of running the city?'

Mr Slant considered this one. 'I think that may be the case,' he conceded.

'Not least of which is the fact that Lord Vetinari is, in fact, completely innocent? And that therefore there is a very large question mark over the appointment? Would you advise that he takes up his duties with several spare pairs of underpants? You don't have to answer that last one.'

'It is not my job to instruct the assembly of Guilds to reverse a legitimate decision, even if it turns out to have been based on... erroneous information. Nor is it my responsibility to advise Mr Scrope on his choice of undergarments.'

'See you tomorrow, Mr Slant,' said William.

William barely had time to undress and lie down before it was time to get up again. He washed as best he could, changed his shirt and went cautiously down to breakfast. He was in fact the first at the table.

There was the usual stolid silence as the other guests gathered. Most of Mrs Arcanum's boarders didn't bother to talk unless they had something to say. But when Mr Mackleduff sat down he pulled out a copy of the Times from his pocket.

'Couldn't get the paper,' said Mr Mackleduff, shaking it open. 'So I got the other one,'

William coughed. 'Anything much in it?' he said. He could see his headline from where he sat, in huge bold caps:

DOG BITES MAN!

He'd made it news.

'Oh... Lord Vetinari got away with it,' said Mr Mackleduff.

'Well, of course he would,' said Mr Prone. 'Very clever man, whatever they say,'