Hogfather (Discworld 20)

'Hooray for the pink, grey and green,' said the Bursar. 'Er ... we thought Hex might be of . . . you know . . . help, sir,' said Ponder Stibbons, who liked to think of himself as the University's token sane person. 'With the Bursar's problem. We thought it might be a nice Hogswatch present for him.'

'Ye gods, Bursar's got no problems,' said Ridcully, and patted the aimlessly smiling man on the head while mouthing the words 'mad as a spoon'. 'Mind just wanders a bit, that's all. I said MIND WANDERS A BIT, eh? Only to be expected, spends far too much time addin' up numbers. Doesn't get out in the fresh air. I said, YOU DON'T GET OUT IN THE FRESH AIR, OLD CHAP!'

'We thought, er, he might like someone to talk to,' said Ponder. 'What? What? But I talk to him all the time! I'm always trying to take him out of himself,' said Ridcully. 'It's important to stop him mopin' around the place.' 14 Often they lived to a timescale to suit themselves. Many of the senior ones, of course, lived entirely in the past, but several were like the Professor of Anthropics, who had invented an entire temporal system based on the belief that all the other ones were a mere illusion. Many people are aware of the Weak and Strong Anthropic Principles. The Weak One says, basically, that it was jolly amazing of the universe to be constructed in such a way that humans could evolve to a point where they make a living in, for example, universities, while the Strong One says that, on the contrary, the whole point of the universe was that humans should not only work in universities but also write for huge sums books with words like 'Cosmic' and 'Chaos' in the titles. *) The UU Professor of Anthropics had developed the Special and Inevitable Anthropic Principle, which was that the entire reason for the existence of the universe was the eventual evolution of the UU Professor of Anthropics. But this was only a formal statement of the theory which absolutely everyone, with only some minor details of a 'Fill in name here' nature, secretly believes to be true. *)And they are correct. The universe dearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day.

'Er ... yes ... certainly,' said Ponder diplomatically. He recalled the Bursar as a man whose idea of an exciting time had once been a soft-boiled egg. 'So ... er ... well, let's give it another try, shall we? Are you ready, Mr Dinwiddie?'

'Yes, thank you, a green one with cinnamon if it’s not too much trouble.'

'Can't see how he can talk to a machine,' said Ridcully, in a sullen voice. 'The thing's got no damn ears.'

'Ah, well, in fact we made it one ear,' said Ponder. 'Er. . .' He pointed to a large drum in a maze of tubes. 'Isn't that old Windle Poons' ear trumpet sticking out of the end?' said Ridcully suspiciously. 'Yes, Archchancellor.' Ponder cleared his throat. 'Sound, you see, comes in waves-' He stopped. Wizardly premonitions rose in his mind. He just knew Ridcully was going to assume he was talking about the sea. There was going to be one of those huge bottomless misunderstandings that always occurred whenever anyone tried to explain anything to the Archchancellor. Words like 'surf, and probably 'ice cream' and 'sand' were just ... 'It's all done by magic, Archchancellor,' he said, giving up. 'Ah. Right,' said Ridcully. He sounded a little disappointed. 'None of that complicated business with springs and cogwheels and tubes and stuff, then.'

'That's right, sir,' said Ponder. 'Just magic. Sufficiently advanced magic.'

'Fair enough. What's it do?'

'Hex can hear what you say.'

'Interesting. Saves all that punching holes in bits of cards and hitting keys you lads are forever doing, then-'

'Watch this, sir,' said Ponder. 'All right, Adrian, initialize the GBU 'How do you do that, then?' said Ridcully, behind him. 'It ... it means pull the great big lever,' Ponder said, reluctantly. 'Ah. Takes less time to say.' Ponder sighed. 'Yes, that's right, Archchancellor.' He nodded to one of the students, who pulled a large red lever marked 'Do Not Pull'. Gears spun, somewhere inside Hex. Little trap-doors opened in the ant farms and millions of ants began to scurry along the networks of glass tubing. Ponder tapped at the huge wooden keyboard. 'Beats me how you fellows remember how to do all this stuff,' said Ridcully, still watching him with what Ponder considered to be amused interest. 'Oh, it's largely intuitive, Archchancellor,' said Ponder. 'Obviously you have to spend a lot of time learning it first, though. Now, then, Bursar,' he added. 'If you'd just like to say something. . .'

'He says, SAY SOMETHING, BURSAAAR!' yelled Ridcully helpfully, into the Bursar's ear. 'Corkscrew? It's a tickler, that's what Nanny says,' said the Bursar. Things started to spin inside Hex. At the back of the room a huge converted waterwheel covered with sheep skulls began to turn, ponderously. And the quill pen in its network of springs and guiding arms started to write: +++ Why Do You Think You Are A Tickler? +++ For a moment the Bursar hesitated. Then he said, 'I've got a spoon of my own, you know.' +++ Tell Me About Your Spoon +++ 'Er ... it's a little spoon. . .' +++ Does Your Spoon Worry You? +++ The Bursar frowned. Then he seemed to rally. 'Whoops, here comes Mr Jelly,' he said, but he didn't sound as though his heart was in it. +++ How Long Have You Been Mr Jelly? +++

The Bursar glared.'Are you makingfun of me?' he said. 'Amazin'!' said Ridcully. 'It's got him stumped! 's better than dried frog pills! How did you work it out?'

'Er said Ponder. 'It sort of just happened 'Amazin',' said Ridcully. He knocked the ashes out of his pipe on Hex's 'Anthill Inside' sticker, causing Ponder to wince. 'This thing's a kind of big artificial brain, then?'

'You could think of it like that,' said Ponder, carefully. 'Of course, Hex doesn't actually think. Not as such. It just appears to be thinking.'

'Ah. Like the Dean,' said Ridcully. 'Any chance of fitting a brain like this into the Dean's head?'

'It does weigh ten tons, Archchancellor.'

'Ah. Really? Oh. Quite a large crowbar would be in order, then.' He paused, and then reached into his pocket. 'I knew I'd come here for something,' he added. 'This here chappie is the Verruca Gnome-'

'Hello,' said the Verruca Gnome shyly. -who seems to have popped into existence to be with us here tonight. And, you know, I thought: this is a bit odd. Of course, there's always something a bit unreal about Hogswatchnight,' said Ridcully. 'Last night of the year and so on. The Hogfather whizzin' around and so forth. Time of the darkest shadows and so on. All the old year's occult rubbish pilin' up. Anythin' could happen. I just thought you fellows might check up on this. Probably nothing to worry about.'

'A Verruca Gnome?' said Ponder. The gnome clutched his sack protectively. 'Makes about as much sense as a lot of things, I suppose,' said Ridcully. 'After all, there's a Tooth Fairy, ain' there? You might as well wonder why we have a God of Wine and not a God of Hangovers---' He stopped. 'Anyone else hear that noise just then?' he said. 'Sorry, Archchancellor?'

'Sort of glingleglingleglingle? Like little tinkly bells?'

'Didn't hear anything like that, sir.'

'Oh.' Ridcully shrugged. 'Anyway ... what was I saying ... yes ... no one's ever heard of a Verruca Gnome until tonight.'

'That's right,' said the gnome. 'Even I've never heard of me until tonight, and I'm me.'

'We'll see what we can find out, Archchancellor,' said Ponder diplomatically. 'Good man.' Ridcully put the gnome back in his pocket and looked up at Hex. 'Amazin',' he said again. 'He just looks as though he's thinking, right?'

'Er ... yes.'

'But he's not actually thinking?'

'Er ... no.'

'So ... he just gives the impression of thinking but really it's just a show?'