'Uh - '
'Oh, it's you, Mr Slant. I do apologize.'
'Speaking as the President of the Guild of Lawyers,' said Mr Slant, the most respected zombie in Ankh-Morpork, 'I must recommend stability in this matter. I wonder if I may offer some advice?'
'How much will it cost us?' said Mr Sock.
'Stability,' said Mr Slant, 'equals monarchy.'
'Oh, now, don't tell us - '
'Look at Klatch,' said Mr Slant doggedly. 'Generations of Seriphs. Result: political stability. Take Pseudopolis. Or Sto Lat. Or even the Agatean Empire - '
'Come on,' said Dr Downey. 'Everyone knows that kings - '
'Oh, monarchs come and go, they depose one another, and so on and so forth,' said Mr Slant. 'But the institution goes on. Besides, I think you'll find that it is possible to work out ... an accommodation.'
He realized that he had the floor. His fingers absent-mindedly touched the seam where his head had been sewn back on. All those years ago Mr Slant had refused to die until he had been paid for the disbursements in the matter of conducting his own defence.
'How do you mean?' said Mr Potts.
'I accept that the question of resurrecting the Ankh-Morpork succession has been raised several times recently,' said Mr Slant.
'Yes. By madmen,' said Mr Boggis. It's part of the symptoms. Put underpants on head, talk to trees, drool, decide that Ankh-Morpork needs a king...'
'Exactly. Supposing sane men were to give it consideration?'
'Go on,' said Dr Downey. 'There have been precedents,' said Mr Slant. 'Monarchies who have found themselves bereft of a convenient monarch have... obtained one. Some suitably born member of some other royal line. After all, what is required is someone who, uh, knows the ropes, as I believe the saying goes.'
'Sorry? Are you saying we send out for a king?' said Mr Boggis. 'We put up some kind of advertisement? Throne vacant, applicant must supply own crown ?'
'In fact,' said Mr Slant, ignoring this, 'I recall that, during the first Empire, Genua wrote to Ankh-Morpork and asked to be sent one of our generals to be their king, their own royal lines having died out through interbreeding so intensively that the last king kept trying to breed with himself. The history books say that we sent our loyal General Tacticus, whose first act after obtaining the crown was to declare a war on Ankh-Morpork. Kings are ... interchangeable.'
'You mentioned something about reaching an accommodation,' said Mr Boggis. 'You mean, we tell a king what to doT
'I like the sound of that,' said Mrs Palm.
'I like the echoes,' said Dr Downey.
'Not tell,' said Mr Slant. 'We... agree. Obviously, as king, he would concentrate on those things traditionally associated with kingship - '
'Waving,' said Mr Sock.
'Being gracious,' said Mrs Palm.
'Welcoming ambassadors from foreign countries,' said Mr Potts.
'Shaking hands.'
'Cutting off heads - '
'No! No. No, that will not be part of his duties. Minor affairs of state will be carried out - '
'By his advisors?' said Dr Downey. He leaned back. 'I'm sure I can see where this is going, Mr Slant,' he said. 'But kings, once acquired, are so damn hard to get rid of. Acceptably.'
There have been precedents for that, too,' said Mr Slant.
The Assassin's eyes narrowed.