Feet of Clay (Discworld 19)

'No, sir. Not when I thought about it. I think he's got a sort of soft spot for the Patrician, in his way. He once said that if anyone was going to kill Vetinari he'd like it to be him.'

'Indeed?'

'But he was smiling when he said it. Sort of smiling, anyway.'

'He, er, visits his lordship most days, I believe?'

'Yes, sir.'

'And I understand that his efforts to discover the poisoner have not reached any conclusions?'

'Not as such, sir,' said Carrot. 'We've found a lot of ways he's not being poisoned.'

Downey nodded at the others. 'We would like to inspect the Commander's office,' he said.

'I don't know if that's - ' Carrot began.

'Please think very carefully,' said Dr Downey. 'We three represent most of the guilds of this city. We feel we have a good reason for inspecting the Commander's office. You will of course accompany us to see that we do nothing illegal.'

Carrot looked awkward. 'I suppose ... if I'm with you...' he said.

'That's right,' said Downey. 'That makes it official.'

Carrot led the way. 'I don't even know if he's back,' he said, opening the door. 'As I said, we've been... oh.'

Downey peered around him and at the figure slumped over the desk.

'It would appear that Sir Samuel is in,' he said. 'But quite out of it.'

'I can smell the drink from here,' said Mrs Palm. 'It's terrible what drink will do to a man.'

'A whole bottle of Bearhugger's finest,' said Mr Boggis. 'All right for some, eh?'

'But he hasn't touched a drop all year!' said Carrot, giving the recumbent Vimes a shake. 'He goes to meetings about it and everything!'

'Now let us see...' said Downey.

He pulled open one of the desk drawers.

'Captain Carrot?' he said. 'Can you witness that there appears to be a bag of greyish powder in here? I will now - '

Vimes's hand shot out and slammed the drawer on the man's fingers. His elbow rammed back into the assassin's stomach and, as Downey's chin jerked down, Vimes's forearm swung upwards and caught him full on the nose.

Then Vimes opened his eyes.

'Wassat? Wassat?' he said, raising his head. 'Dr Downey? Mr Boggis? Carrot? Hmm?'

'Hwat? Hwat?' screamed Downey. 'You hnsfruck me!'

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' said Vimes, concern radiating from every feature as he pushed the chair back into Downey's groin and stood up. 'I'm afraid I must have dropped off and, of course, when I woke up and found someone stealing from...'

'You're raving drunk, man!' said Mr Boggis.

Vimes's features froze.

'Indeed? Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,' he snarled, prodding the man in the chest. 'A peck of bloody pickled peppers Peter Piper damn well picked. Do you want me to continue?' he said, poking the man until his back was against the wall. 'It doesn't get much better!'

'Hwhat about thif packet?' shouted Downey, clutching his streaming nose with one hand and waving at the desk with the other.