'That's unfair!'
'Is it?'
'I wouldn't help them unless you got really rough.'
'Ah, so? And they say chivalry is dead...'
'Anyway, Cheri is...a bit different. I'm sure he... she's good at alchemy, but we'd better watch her back in a fight. Hold on...'
They'd stepped out into the factory.
Candles whirled overhead - hundreds of them, thousands of them - dangling by their wicks from an endless belt of complex wooden links that switch-backed its way up and down the long hall.
'I heard about this,' said Carrot. 'It's called a producing line. It's a way of making thousands of things that are all the same. But look at the speed! I'm amazed the treadmill can - '
Angua pointed. There was a treadmill creaking around beside her, but there was nothing inside it.
'Something's got to be powering all this,' said Angua.
Carrot pointed. Further up the hall the switchbacks of the line converged in a complicated knot. There was a figure somewhere in the middle, arms moving in a blur.
Just beside Carrot the line ended at a big wooden hopper. Candles cascaded into it. No one had been emptying it, and they were tumbling over the pile and rolling on to the floor.
'Cheri,' said Carrot. 'Do you know how to use any kind of weapon?'
'Er... no, Captain Carrot.' 'Right. You just wait in the alley, then. I don't want any harm coming to you.' She scuttled off, looking relieved. Angua sniffed the air. 'There's been a vampire here,' she said.
'I think we'd - ' Carrot began. 'I knew you'd find out! I wish I'd never bought the damned thing! I've got a bow! I warn you, I've got a crossbow!'
They turned. 'Ah, Mr Carry,' said Carrot cheerfully. He produced his badge. 'Captain Carrot, Ankh-Morpork City Watch - '
'I know who you are! I know who you are! And what you are, too! I knew you'd come! I've got a bow and I'm not afraid to use it!' The crossbow's point moved uncertainly, proving him a liar. 'Really?' said Angua. 'What we are?' 'I didn't even want to get involved!' said Carry. 'It killed those old men, didn't it?'
'Yes,' said Carrot.
'Why? I didn't tell it to!'
'Because they helped make it, I think,' said Carrot. 'It knew who to blame.'
The golems sold it to me!' said Carry. 'I thought it'd help build up the business but the damned thing won't stop - '
He glanced up at the line of candles whirring overhead, but jerked his head back before Angua could move.
'Works hard, does it?'
'Hah!' But Carry didn't look like a man enjoying a joke. He looked like a man in private torment. 'I've laid off everyone except the girls in the packing department, and they're on three shifts and overtime! I've got four men out looking for tallow, two negotiating for wicks and three trying to buy more storage space!'
'Then get it to stop making candles,' said Carrot.
'It goes off into the streets when we run out of tallow! You want it walking around looking for something to do? Hey, you two stay together!' Carry added urgently, waving the crossbow, backed off, and stopped when something nudged him in the back. It was a pig.
It was no Mr Dreadful. This wasn't the little piggy that went to market, or the little piggy that stayed at home. It would be quite hard to imagine what kind of foot would have a piggy like this, but it would probably be the kind that also had hair and scales and toenails like cashew nuts.
This piggy was the size of a pony. This piggy had tusks. And it wasn't pink. It was a blue-black colour and covered with sharp hair but it did have - let's be fair, thought Colon - little red piggy eyes.
This little piggy looked like the little piggy that killed the boarhounds, disembowelled the horse and ate the huntsman.
Colon turned around, and came face-to-face with a bull like a beef cube on legs. It turned its huge head from side to side so that each rolling eye could get a sight of the sergeant, but it was clear that neither of them liked him very much.