His companion nodded. 'Poor old Terwillie won't be able to look sage and onion in the face again, I reckon.'
'By the sound of it, that's the last thing he'll do,' said Vimes.
Angua had to turn her back.
Tell him about what happened in your pork butcher's,' said the man's companion.
'I don't think you'll need to/ said Vimes. 'I'm seeing a pattern here.'
'Right! And poor young Sid's only an apprentice and didn't deserve what it done to him!'
'Oh, dear,' said Carrot. 'Er...I think I've got an ointment that might be - '
'Will it help with the apple?' the man demanded.
'It shoved an apple in his mouth?'
'Wrong!'
Vimes winced. 'Ouch...'
'What's going to be done, eh?' said the butcher, his face a few inches from Vimes's.
'Well, if you can get a grip on the stem - '
'I'm serious! What are you going to do? I'm a taxpayer and I know my rights!'
He prodded Vimes in the breastplate. Vimes's expression went wooden. He looked down at the finger, and then back up at the man's large red nose.
'In that case,' said Vimes, 'I suggest you take another apple and - '
'Er, excuse me,' said Carrot loudly, 'You're Mr Maxilotte, aren't you? Got a shop in the Shambles?'
'Yes, that's right. What of it?'
'It's just that I don't recall seeing your name on the register of taxpayers, which is very odd because you said you were a taxpayer, but of course you wouldn't lie about a thing like that and anyway when you paid your taxes they would have given you a receipt because that's the law and I'm sure you'd be able to find it if you looked - '
The butcher lowered his finger. 'Er, yes...'
'I could come and help you if you'd like,' said Carrot.
The butcher gave Vimes a despairing look.
'He really does read that stuff,' said Vimes. 'For pleasure. Carrot, why don't you scarp - ? My gods, what the hell is that?
There was a bellow further up the street.
Something big and muddy was approaching at a sort of menacing amble. In the gloom it looked vaguely like a very fat centaur, half-man, half... in fact it was, he realized as it bounced nearer, half-Colon, half-bull.
Sergeant Colon had lost his helmet and had a certain look about him that suggested he had been close to the soil.
As the massive bull cantered past, the sergeant rolled his eyes wildly and said, 'I daren't get off! I daren't get off!'
'How did you get on?' shouted Vimes.
'It wasn't easy, sir! I just grabbed the 'orns, sir, next minute I was on its back!'
'Well, hang on!'