Thief of Time (Discworld 26)

'Already we learn more about humans,' said Mr White. 'To what end?' said Miss Brown, whose sensations of apprehension were increasing at the sight of the contorted expression on Mr White's face. 'For our purposes, they are no longer a factor. Time has ended. They are fossils. The skin under one of your eyes is twitching.'

'You are guilty of inappropriate thought,' said Mr White. 'They exist. Therefore we must study them in every detail. I wish to try a further experiment. My eye is functioning perfectly.' He took an axe from a market stall. Miss Brown took another step back. 'Unbidden thoughts of apprehension increase markedly,' she said.

'Yet this is a mere lump of metal on a piece of wood,' said Mr White, hefting the axe. 'We, who have seen the hearts of stars. We, who have watched worlds burn. We, who have seen space tormented. What is there about this axe that could cause concern to us?' He swung. It was a clumsy blow and the human neck is a lot tougher than people believe, but Miss Brown's neck exploded into coloured motes and she collapsed. Mr White looked around at the nearest Auditors, who all stepped back. 'Is there anyone else who wishes to try the experiment?' he said. There was a chorus of hasty refusals. 'Good,' said Mr White. 'Already we are learning a great deal!'

'He chopped her head off!'

'Don't shout! And keep your head down!' Susan hissed. 'But he-'

'I think she knows! Anyway, it's an it. And so's it.'

'What's going on?' Susan drew back into the shadows. 'I'm not... entirely sure,' she said, 'but I think they've tried to make themselves human bodies. Pretty good copies, too. And now... they're acting human.'

'Do you call that acting human?' Susan gave Lobsang a sad look. 'You don't get out much, do you? My grandfather says that if an intelligent creature takes a human shape, it starts to think human. Form defines function.'

'That was the action of an intelligent creature?' said Lobsang, still shocked. 'Not only doesn't get out much, also doesn't read history,' said Susan glumly. 'Do you know about the curse of the werewolves?'

'Isn't being a werewolf curse enough?'

'They don't think so. But if they stay wolf-shaped for too long, they stay a wolf,' said Susan. 'A wolf is a very strong... form, you see? Even though the mind is human, the wolf creeps in through the nose and the ears and the paws. Know about witches?'

'We, er, stole the broomstick of one of them to get here,' said Lobsang. 'Really? Bit of luck for you that the world's ended, then,' said Susan. 'Anyway, some of the best witches have this trick they call Borrowing. They can get into the mind of an animal. Very useful. But the trick is to know when to pull out. Be a duck for too long and a duck you'll stay. A bright duck, maybe, with some odd memories, but still a duck.'

'The poet Hoha once dreamed he was a butterfly, and then he awoke and said, “Am I a man who dreamed he was a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming he is a man?”' said Lobsang, trying to join in. 'Really?' said Susan briskly. 'And which was he?'

'What? Well... who knows?'

'How did he write his poems?' said Susan. 'With a brush, of course.'

'He didn't flap around making information-rich patterns in the air or laying eggs on cabbage leaves?'

'No one ever mentioned it.'

'Then he was probably a man,' said Susan. 'Interesting, but it doesn't move us on a lot. Except you could say that the Auditors are dreaming that they're human, and the dream is real. And they've got no imagination. Just like my grandfather, really. They can create a perfect copy of anything, but they can't make anything that's new. So what I think is happening is that they're finding out what being human really means.'

'Which is?'

'That you're not as much in control as you think.' She took another careful look at the crowd in the square. 'Do you know anything about the person who built the clock?'

'Me? No. Well, not really...'

'Then how did you find the place?'

'Lu-Tze thought this was where the clock was being built.'

'Really? Not a bad guess. You even got the right house.'

'I, er, it was me that found the house. It, er, I knew that was where I should be. Does that sound silly?'

'Oh, yes. With twinkly bells and bluebirds on it. But it might be true. I always know where I should be, too. And where should you be now?'

'Just a minute,' said Lobsang. 'Who are you? Time has stopped, the world is given over to... fairy tales and monsters, and there's a schoolteacher walking around?'

'Best kind of person to have,' said Susan. 'We don't like silliness. Anyway, I told you. I've inherited certain talents.'

'Like living outside time?'

'That's one of them.'