The Last Hero (Discworld 27)

"Shame on you, Truckle," said the woman, putting aside her embroidery. "Well, you did drug me and steal a load of jewels off me last time we met..."

"That was forty years ago, man! Anyway, you left me alone to fight that band of goblins."

"I knew you'd beat the goblins, though."

"I knew you didn't need the jewels. Morning, Evil Harry. Hello, boys. Pull up a rock. Who's the thin streak of misery?" This is the bard," said Cohen. "Bard, this is Vena the Raven-Haired."

"What?" said the bard. "No, she's not! Even I've heard of Vena the Raven- Haired, and she's a tall young woman with- oh ..." Vena sighed. "Yes, the old stories do hang around so, don't they?" she said, patting her grey hair. "And it's Mrs McGarry now, boys."

;It will certainly be a challenge to go where no one has gone before," said Carrot. "Wrong! We're going where no one has come back from before." Rincewind hesitated. "Well, except me. But I didn't go that far, and I... sort of dropped on to the Disc again."

"Yes, they told me about it. What did you see?"

"My whole life, passing in front of my eyes."

"Perhaps we shall see something more interesting." Rincewind glared at Carrot, bent once again over his sewing. Evetything about the man was neat, in a workmanlike sort of way: he looked like someone who washed thoroughly. He also seemed to Rincewind to be a complete idiot with gristle between the ears. But complete idiots didn't make comments like that. "I'm taking an iconograph and lots of paint for the imp. You know the wizards want us to make all kinds of observations?" Carrot went on. "They say it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity."

"You're not making any friends here, you know," said Rincewind. "Have you any idea what it is that the Silver Horde wants?"

"Drink, treasure, and women," said Rincewind. "But I think they may have eased back on the last one."

"But didn't they have more or less all of that anyway?" Rincewind nodded. That was the puzzler. The Horde had it all. They had everything that money could buy, and since there was a lot of money on the Counterweight Continent, that was everything. It occurred to him that when you'd had everything, all that was left was nothing. The valley was full of cool green light, reflected off the towering ice of the central mountain. It shifted and flowed like water. Into it, grumbling and asking one another to speak up, walked the Silver Horde. Behind them, walking almost bent double with horror and dread, white- faced, like a man who has gazed upon direful things, came the minstrel. His clothes were torn. One leg of his tights had been ripped off. He was soaking wet, although parts of his clothing were singed. The twanging remains of the lute in his trembling hand had been half bitten away. Here was a man who had truly seen life, mostly on the point of departure. "Not very insane, as monks go," said Caleb. "More sad than mad. I've known monks that frothed."

"And some of those monsters were long past their date with the knackerman, and that's the truth." said Truckle. "Honestly, I felt embarrassed about killing them. They was older than us."

"The fish were good," said Cohen. "Real big buggers."

"Just as well, really, since we've run out of walrus." said Evil Harry. "Wonderful display by your henchmen. Harry," said Cohen. "Stupidity wasn't the word for it. Never seen so many people hit themselves over the head with their own swords."

"They were good lads," said Harry. "Morons to the end." Cohen grinned at Boy Willie, who was sucking a cut finger. "Teeth," he said. "Huh ... the answer is always "teeth", is it?"

"All right, all right, sometimes it's "tongue"." said Boy Willie. He turned to the minstrel. "Did you get that bit where I cut up that big taranchula?" be said. The minstrel raised his head slowly. A lute string broke.

"Mwwa," he bleated. The rest of the Horde gathered round quickly. There was no sense in letting just one of them get the best verses. "Remember to sing about that bit where that fish swallowed me and I cut my way out front inside, okay?""

"Mwwa ..."

"And did you get that bit when I killed that big six-armed dancin' statue?"

"Mwwa ..."

"What're you talkin' about? It was me what killed that statue?"

"Yeah? Well, I clove him clean in twain, mate. No one could have survived that? "Why didn't you just cut 'is 'ead off?"

"Couldn't. Someone'd already done that."

"Ere, 'e's not writin' this down! Why isn't 'e writin this down? Cohen, you tell 'im 'e's got to write this down!"

"Let him be for a while," said Cohen. "I reckon the fish disagreed with him."

"Don't see why," said Truckle. "I pulled him out before it'd hardly chewed him. And he must've dried out nicely in that corridor. You know, the one where the flames shot up out of the floor unexpectedly."

"I reckon our bard wasn't expecting flames to shoot out of the floor unexpectedly." said Cohen. Truckle shrugged theatrically. "Well, if you're not going to expect unexpected flames, what's the point of going anywhere?"

"And we'd have been in some strife with those gate demons from the netherworlds if Mad Hamish hadn't woken up," Cohen went on. Hamish stirred in his wheelchair, under a pile of large fish fillets inexpertly wrapped in saffron robes. "Whut?"

"I SAID YOU WERE GROUCHY WHAT WITH MISSING YER NAP!" Cohen shouted. "Ach, right!" Boy Willie rubbed his thigh. "I got to admit it, one of those monsters nearly got me," he said. "I'm going to have to give this up." Cohen turned around quickly. "And die like old Old Vincent?" he said. "Well, not-"