The Wee Free Men (Discworld 30)

If only she’d brought the frying pan.

“Here, wee hag! Stannit ye still, right noo!”

She stared up.

A tiny blue man had poked his head up out of the snow on top of the hedge.

“There’s a headless horseman after me!” she shouted.

“He’ll no’ make it, hinny. Stand ye still! Look him in the eye!”

“He hasn’t got any eyes!”

“Crivens! Are ye a hag or no’? Look him in the eyes he hasna got!”

The blue man disappeared into the snow.

Tiffany turned around. The horseman was trotting under the trees now, the horse more certain as the ground leveled. He had a sword in his hand, and he was looking at her, with the eyes he didn’t have. There was the breathy noise again, not good to hear.

The little men are watching me, she thought. I can’t run. Granny Aching wouldn’t have run from a thing with no head.

She folded her arms and glared.

The horseman stopped, as if puzzled, and then urged the horse forward.

A blue-and-red shape, larger than the other little men, dropped out of the trees. He landed on the horse’s forehead, between its eyes, and grabbed an ear in each hand.

Tiffany heard the man shout: “Here’s a face full o’ dandruff for ye, yer bogle, courtesy of Big Yan!” and then the man hit the horse between the eyes with his head.

To her amazement the horse staggered sideways.

“Aw right?” shouted the tiny fighter. “Big toughie, is ye? Once more wi’ feelin’!”

This time the horse danced uneasily the other way, and then its back legs slid from under it and it collapsed in the snow.

Little blue men erupted from the hedge. The horseman, trying to get to his feet, disappeared under a blue-and-red storm of screaming creatures—

And vanished. The snow vanished. The horse vanished.

The blue men, for a moment, were in a pile on the hot, dusty road. One of them said, “Aw, crivens! I kicked meself in me own heid!” And then they, too, vanished, but for a moment Tiffany saw blue-and-red blurs disappearing into the hedge.

Then the skylarks were back. The hedges were green and full of flowers. Not a twig was broken, not a flower disturbed. The sky was blue, with no flashes of diamond.

Tiffany looked down. On the toes of her boots, snow was melting. She was, strangely, glad about that. It meant that what had just happened was magical, not madness. Because if she closed her eyes, she could still hear the wheezy breathing of the headless man.

What she needed right now was people, and ordinary things happening. But more than anything else, she wanted answers.

Actually, what she wanted more than anything else was not to hear the wheezy breathing when she shut her eyes….

The tents had gone. Except for a few pieces of broken chalk, apple cores, some stamped-down grass, and, alas, a few chicken feathers, there was nothing at all to show that the teachers had ever been there.

A small voice said, “Psst!”

She looked down. A toad crept out from under a dock leaf.

“Miss Tick said you’d be back,” it said. “I expect there’s some things you need to know, right?”

“Everything,” said Tiffany. “We’re swamped with tiny men! I can’t understand half of what they say! They keep calling me a hag!”