“Oh, ye are a harrrrrd wumman, Quin,” said William the gonnagle, “to set the lawyers ontae us.”
“See the one on the left there,” whimpered a pictsie. “See, he’s got a briefcase! It’s a briefcase! Oh, waily, waily, a briefcase, waily…”
Reluctantly, a step at a time, pressing together in terror, the Nac Mac Feegle began to back away.
“Oh, waily waily, he’s snappin’ the clasps,” groaned Daft Wullie. “Oh, waily waily waily, ’tis the sound o’ Doom when a lawyer does that!”
“Mister Rob Anybody Feegle and sundry others?” said one of the figures in a dreadful voice.
“There’s naebody here o’ that name!” shouted Rob Anybody. “We dinna know anythin’!”
“We have here a list of criminal and civil charges totaling nineteen thousand, seven hundred and sixty-three separate offenses—”
“We wasna there!” yelled Rob Anybody desperately. “Isn’t that right, lads?”
“—including more than two thousand cases of Making an Affray, Causing a Public Nuisance, Being Found Drunk, Being Found Very Drunk, Using Offensive Language (taking into account ninety-seven counts of Using Language That Was Probably Offensive If Anyone Else Could Understand It), Committing a Breach of the Peace, Malicious Lingering—”
“It’s mistaken identity!” shouted Rob Anybody. “It’s no’ oour fault! We wuz only standing there an’ someone else did it and ran awa’!”
“—Grand Theft, Petty Theft, Burglary, Housebreaking, Loitering with Intent to Commit a Felony—”
“We wuz misunderstood when we was wee bairns!” yelled Rob Anybody. “Ye’re only pickin’ on us ’cause we’re blue! We always get blamed for everythin’! The polis hate us! We wasna even in the country!”
But, to groans from the cowering pictsies, one of the lawyers produced a big roll of paper from his briefcase. He cleared his throat and read out: “Angus, Big; Angus, Not-as-big-as-Big-Angus; Angus, Wee; Archie, Big; Archie, One-Eyed; Archie, Wee Mad—”
“They’ve got oour names!” sobbed Daft Wullie. “They’ve got oour names! It’s the pris’n hoose for us!”
“Objection! I move for a writ of habeas corpus,” said a small voice. “And enter a plea of vis-ne faciem capite repletam, without prejudice.”
There was absolute silence for a moment. Rob Anybody turned to look at the frightened Nac Mac Feegle and said: “Okay, okay, which of youse said that?”
The toad crawled out of the crowd and sighed. “It suddenly all came back to me,” he said. “I remember what I was now. The legal language brought it all back. I’m a toad now, but”—he swallowed—“once I was a lawyer. And this, people, is illegal. These charges are a complete tissue of lies based on hearsay evidence.”
He raised yellow eyes toward the Queen’s lawyers. “I further move that the case be adjourned sine die on the basis of potest-ne mater tua suere, amice.”
The lawyers had pulled large books out of nowhere and were thumbing through them hastily.
“We’re not familiar with counsel’s terminology,” said one of them.
“Hey, they’re sweatin’,” said Rob Anybody. “You mean we can have lawyers on oour side as well?”
“Yes, of course,” said the toad. “You can have defense lawyers.”
“Defense?” said Rob Anybody. “Are you tellin’ me we could get awa’ wi’ it ’cause of a tishoo o’ lies?”
“Certainly,” said the toad. “And with all the treasure you’ve stolen, you can pay enough to be very innocent indeed. My fee will be—”
He gulped as a dozen glowing swords were swung toward him.
“I’ve just remembered why that fairy godmother turned me into a toad,” he said. “So, in the circumstances, I’ll take this case pro bono publico.”
The swords didn’t move.
“That means for free,” he added.
“Oh, right, we like the sound o’ that,” said Rob Anybody, to the sound of swords being sheathed. “How come ye’re a lawyer an’ a toad?”
“Oh, well, it was just bit of an argument,” said the toad. “A fairy godmother gave my client three wishes—the usual health, wealth, and happiness package—and when my client woke up one wet morning and didn’t feel particularly happy, she got me to bring an action for breach of contract. It was a definite first in the history of fairy godmothering. Unfortunately, as it turned out, so was turning the client into a small hand mirror and her lawyer, as you see before you, into a toad. I think the worst part was when the judge applauded. That was hurtful, in my opinion.”