The Wee Free Men (Discworld 30)

“We’re the only ones who know the truth,” said Tiffany.

Patapatpat. Roland stared at the fat, rich butter as she calmly patted it into shape.

“Oh,” he said. “Er…you won’t tell anyone, will you? I mean, you’ve got every right to, but—”

Patapatapat.

“No one would believe me,” said Tiffany.

“I did try,” said Roland. “Honestly. I really did.”

I expect you did, Tiffany thought. But you’re not very clever, and the Baron certainly is a man without First Sight. He sees the world the way he wants to see it.

“One day you’ll be Baron, won’t you?” she said.

“Well, yes. One day. But look, are you really a witch?”

“When you’re Baron you’ll be good at it, I expect?” said Tiffany, turning the butter around. “Fair and generous and decent? You’ll pay good wages and look after the old people? You wouldn’t let people turn an old lady out of her house?”

“Well, I hope I—”

Tiffany turned to face him, a butter paddle in each hand.

“Because I’ll be there, you see. You’ll look up and see my eye on you. I’ll be there on the edge of the crowd. All the time. I’ll be watching everything, because I come from a long line of Aching people and this is my land. But you can be the Baron for us and I hope you’re a good one. If you are not…there will be a reckoning.”

“Look, I know you were…were…” Roland began, going redder in the face.

“Very helpful?” said Tiffany.

“…but you can’t talk to me like that, you know!”

Tiffany was sure she heard, up in the roof and on the very edge of hearing, someone say: “Ach, crivens, what a wee snotter…”

She shut her eyes for a moment and then, heart pounding, pointed a butter paddle at one of the empty buckets.

“Bucket, fill yourself!” she commanded.

It blurred, and then sloshed. Water dripped down the side.

Roland stared at it. Tiffany gave him one of her sweetest smiles, which could be quite scary.

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?” she said.

He turned to her, face pale. “No one would believe me…” he stammered.

“Aye,” said Tiffany. “So we understand one another. Isn’t that nice? And now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to finish this and make a start on some cheese.”

“Cheese? But you…you could do anything you wanted!” Roland burst out.

“And right now I want to make cheese,” said Tiffany calmly. “Go away.”

“My father owns this farm!” said Roland, and then realized he’d said that out loud.

There were two little but strangely loud clicks as Tiffany put down the butter paddles and turned around.

“That was a very brave thing you just said,” she said, “but I expect you’re sorry you said it, now that you’ve had a really good think?”

Roland, who had shut his eyes, nodded his head.