Wintersmith (Discworld 35)

"Aye, ye can so! Ye make up a pie crust, right, an' ye put in a lot o' ham, right, an' then ye catch the squeal, put the top on the pie before he can escape, right, an' bung it straight in the oven."

"I ne'er heard o' such a thing as that!"

"Have ye no'? It's called squeal-and-ham pie."

"There's nae such thing!"

"Why not? There's bubble-and-squeak, right? An' a squeak is wee compared tae a squeal. I reckon you could—"

"If youse mudlins dinna listen, I'll put ye inna pie!" yelled Rob Anybody. The Feegles muttered into silence And on the other side of the clearing the Wintersmith watched with purple-gray eyes. He watched until a candle was lit in an upstairs room, and watched the orange glow until it went out. Then, walking unsteadily on new legs, he went toward the flower patch where, in the summer, roses had grown. If you went to Zakzak Stronginthearm's Magical Emporium, you'd see crystal balls of all sizes but more or less only one price, which was A Great Deal Of Money. Since most witches, and particularly the good ones, had Not Much Money At All, they made use of other things, like the glass floats off old fishing nets or a saucer of black ink. There was a puddle of black ink on Granny Weatherwax's table now. It had been in the saucer, but things had wobbled a bit when Granny and Miss Tick had banged their heads together trying to look in the saucer at the same time. "Did you hear that?" said Granny Weatherwax. "Petulia Gristle asked the important question, and she just didn't think about it!"

"I'm sorry to say I missed it too," said Miss Tick. You, the white kitten, jumped up onto the table, walked carefully through the puddle of ink, and dropped into Miss Tick's lap. "Stop that, You," said Granny Weatherwax in a vague sort of way, as Miss Tick stared down at her dress. "It hardly shows up," said Miss Tick, but in fact four perfect cat footprints were very clear. Witches' dresses start out black but soon fade to shades of gray because of frequent washings or, in the case of Miss Tick, regular dips in various ponds and streams. They got threadbare and ragged, too, and their owners liked that. It showed you were a working witch, not a witch for show. Four black kitten footprints in the middle of your dress suggested you were a bit wussy, though. She lowered the cat to the floor, where it trotted over to Granny Weatherwax, rubbed up against her, and tried to meep more chicken into existence. "What was the important thing?" said Miss Tick. "I'm asking you as one witch to another, Perspicacia Tick: Has the Wintersmith ever met a girl?"

"Well," said Miss Tick, "I suppose the classic representation of Summer might be called a—"

"But do they ever meet?" asked Granny Weatherwax. "In the Dance, I suppose. Just for a moment," said Miss Tick. "And at that moment, that very moment, in dances Tiffany Aching," said Granny Weatherwax. "A witch who won't wear black. No, it's blue and green for her, like green grass under a blue sky. She calls to the strength of her hills, all the time. An' they calls to her! Hills that was once alive, Miss Tick! They feels the rhythm of the Dance, an' so in her bones does she, if she did but know it. And this shapes her life, even here! She could not help but tap her feet! The land taps its feet to the Dance of the Seasons!"

"But she—" Miss Tick began, because no teacher likes to hear anyone else talk for very long. "What happened in that moment?" Granny Weatherwax went on, unstoppably. "Summer, Winter, and Tiffany. One spinning moment! And then they part. Who knows what got tangled? Suddenly, the Wintersmith is acting so stupid, he might even be a wee bit…human?"

"What has she got herself into?" said Miss Tick. "The Dance, Miss Tick. The Dance that never ends. An' she can't change the steps, not yet. She has to dance to his tune for a while."

"She's going to be in a lot of danger," Miss Tick said. "She has the strength of her hills," said Granny. "Soft hills, though," said Miss Tick. "Easily worn down."

"But the heart of the chalk is flint, remember. It cuts sharper than any knife."

"Snow can cover the hills," said Miss Tick. "Not forever."

"It did once," said Miss Tick, fed up with playing games. "For thousands of years, at least. An age of ice. Great beasts wallowed and sneezed across the world."

"That's as may be," said Granny Weatherwax, a glint in her eye. "O' course, I wasn't around then. In the meantime, we must watch our girl." Miss Tick sipped her tea. Staying with Granny Weatherwax was a bit of a trial. Last night's pot of chicken scraps had turned out to be not for her but for You. The witches had good thick pease pudding and bacon soup without—and this was important—the bacon. Granny kept a big lump of fat bacon on a string and had taken it out, carefully dried it, and put it away for another day. Despite her hunger, Miss Tick was impressed. Granny could shave the skin off a second. "I hear that Miss Treason has heard her Call," she said. "Yes. Funeral tomorrow," said Granny Weatherwax. "That's a difficult steading* over there," said Miss Tick. "They've had Miss Treason for a long, long time. It'll be a tricky task for a new witch."

;Yes," said Annagramma, watching Tiffany. "Of course."

"That's, um, sorted out, then," said Petulia, more loudly than necessary. "Did you have a lot of snow last night? Old Mother Blackcap said it was unusual." Tiffany thought: Oh dear, here we go…. "We often get it this early up here," said Lucy. "I thought it was a bit fluffier than usual," said Petulia. "Quite pretty, if you like that sort of thing."

"It was just snow," said Annagramma. "Hey, did any of you hear what happened to the new girl who started with Miss Tumult? Ran away screaming after an hour?" She smiled, not very sympathetically. "Um, was it the frog?" Petulia asked. "No, not the frog. She didn't mind the frog. It was Unlucky Charlie."

"He can be scary," Lucy agreed. And that was it, Tiffany realized, as the gossip ran on. Someone who was practically a kind of god had made billions of snowflakes that looked like her—and they hadn't noticed!…which was a good thing, obviously… Of course it was. The last thing she wanted was teasing and stupid questions, of course. Well, of course… …but…well…it would have been nice if they'd known, if they'd said "Wow," if they'd been jealous or frightened or impressed. And she couldn't tell them, or at least she couldn't tell Annagramma, who'd make a joke of it and almost but not exactly say that she was making it up. The Wintersmith had visited her and been…impressed. It was a bit sad if the only people who knew about this were Miss Treason and hundreds of Feegles, especially since—she shuddered—by Friday morning it would only be known by hundreds of little blue men. To put it another way: If she didn't tell someone else who was at least the same size as her and alive, she would burst. So she told Petulia, on the way home. They had to go the same way, and they both flew so slowly that at night it was easier to walk, since you didn't hit so many trees. Petulia was plump and reliable and already the best pig witch in the mountains, a fact that means a lot where every family owns a pig. And Miss Treason had said that soon the boys would be running after her, because a girl who knows her pigs would never want for a husband. The only problem with Petulia was that she always agreed with you and always said what she thought you wanted to hear. But Tiffany was a bit cruel and just told her all the facts. She got a few wows, which she was pleased with. After a while Petulia said: "That must have been very, um, interesting." And that was Petulia for you. "What shall I do?"

"Um…do you need to do anything?" said Petulia. "Well, sooner or later people are going to notice that all snowflakes are shaped like me!"

"Um, are you worried that they won't?" said Petulia, so innocently that Tiffany laughed. "But I've got this feeling that it's not going to stop with snowflakes! I mean, he is everything to do with wintertime!"

"And he ran away when you screamed…" said Petulia thoughtfully. "That's right."

"And then he did something sort of…silly."

"What?"

"The snowflakes," said Petulia helpfully. "Well, I wouldn't say that, exactly," said Tiffany, a bit hurt. "Not exactly silly."

"Then it's all obvious," said Petulia. "He's a boy."

"What?"

"A boy. You know what they are?" said Petulia. "Blush, grunt, mumble, wibble? They're pretty much all the same."

"But he's millions of years old and he acts like he's never seen a girl before!"