"They actually used the word "valiant"?" said Vimes.
"Indeed they did, sir."
"Well, good," Vimes conceded grumpily. "Do they record that two officers had to be taken to the Free Hospital, one of them quite badly hurt?"
"Unaccountably not, sir," said the butler.
"Huh. Typical. Oh, well ... carry on."
Willikins coughed a butlery cough. "You might wish to lower the razor for the next one, sir. I got into trouble with her ladyship about last week"s little nick."
Vimes watched his image sigh, and lowered the razor. "All right, Willikins. Tell me the worst."
Behind him, the paper was professionally rustled. "The headline on page three is: "Vampire Officer For The Watch?", said the butler, and took a careful step backwards.
"Damn! Who told them?"
"I really couldn"t say, sir. It says you are not in favour of vampires in the Watch but will be interviewing a recruit today. It says there is a lively controversy over the issue."
"Turn to page eight, will you?" said Vimes. Behind him, the paper rustled again.
"Well?" he said. "That"s where they usually put their silly political cartoon, isn"t it?"
"You did put the razor down, did you, sir?" said Willikins. "Yes!"
"Perhaps it would also be just as well if you stepped away from the washbasin, too, sir."
"There"s one of me, isn"t there ..: said Vimes grimly.
"Indeed there is, sir. It portrays a small nervous vampire and, if I may say so, a rather larger-than-life drawing of yourself leaning over your desk, holding a wooden stake in your right hand. The caption is: "Any good on a stake-out, eh?" sir, this being a humorous wordplay referring, on the one hand, to the standard police procedure-"
"Yes, I think I can just about spot it," said Vimes wearily. "Any chance you could nip down and buy the original before Sybil does? Every time they run a cartoon of me she gets hold of it and hangs it up in the library!"
"Mr, er, Fizz does capture a very good likeness, sir," the butler conceded. "And I regret to say that her ladyship has already instructed me to go down to the Times office on her behalf."
Vimes groaned.
"Moreover, sir, Willikins went on, "her ladyship desired me to remind you that she and Young Sam will meet you at the studio of Sir Joshua at eleven sharp, sir. The painting is at an important stage, I gather."
"But I-"
"She was very specific, sir. She said if a commander of police cannot take time off, who can?"
On this day in 1802, the painter Methodia Rascal woke up in the night because the sounds of war fare were coming from a drawer in his bedside table.
Again.
One little light illuminated the cellar, which is to say that it lent different textures to the darkness and divided shadow from darker shadow.
The figures barely showed up at all. It was quite impossible, with normal eyes, to tell who was talking.
"This is not to be talked about, do you understand?"
"Not talked about? He"s dead!"
"This is dwarf business! It"s not to come to the ears of the City Watch! They have no place here! Do any of us want them down here?"
"They do have dwarf officers-"