Thud! (Discworld 34)

"You don"t have to be frightened," said Sally. "If it"s any help, I don"t like this any more than you do."

"I am not frightened," said Vimes sharply.

"Sorry, Mister Vimes. You smell frightened. Not badly," Sally

added. "But just a bit. And your heart is beating faster. I am sorry if I have offended. I was just trying to put you at your ease."

Vimes leaned back. "Don"t try to put me at my ease, Miss von Humpeding," he said. "It makes me nervous when people do that. It"s not as though I have any ease to be put at. And do not comment on my smell either, thank you. Oh, and it"s Commander Vimes or sir, understand? Not Mister Vimes."

"And I would prefer to be called Sally" said the vampire.

They looked at each other, both aware that this was not going well, both uncertain that they could make it go any better.

"So ... Sally ... you want to be a copper?" said Vimes.

"A policeman? Yes."

"Any history of policing in your family?" said Vimes. It was a standard opening question. It always helped if they"d inherited some idea about coppering.

"No, just the throat-biting," said Sally.

There was another pause.

Vimes sighed.

"Look, I just want to know one thing," he said. "Did John Not-A-Vampire-At-All Smith and Doreen Winkings put you up to this?"

"No!" said Sally. "I approached them. And if it"s any help to you, I didn"t think there"d be all this fuss, either."

Vimes looked surprised.

"But you applied to join," he said.

"Yes, but I don"t see why there has to be all this ... interest!"

"Don"t blame me. That was your League of Temperance."

"Really? Your Lord Vetinari was quoted in the newspaper," said Sally. "All that stuff about the lack of species discrimination being in the finest traditions of the Watch."

"Hah!" said Vimes. "Well, it"s true that a copper"s a copper as far as I"m concerned, but the fine traditions of the Watch, Miss von Humpeding, largely consist of finding somewhere out of the rain,

mumping for free beer round the backs of pubs, and always keeping two notebooks!"

"You don"t want me, then?" said Sally. "I thought you needed all the recruits you could get. Look, I"m probably stronger than anyone on your payroll who isn"t a troll, I"m quite clever, I don"t mind hard work and I"ve got excellent night vision. I can be useful. I want to be useful:

"Can you turn into a bat?"

She looked shocked. "What? What kind of question is that to ask me?"

"Probably amongst the less tricky ones," said Vimes. "Besides, it might be useful. Can you?"

"No.

"Oh, well, never mind-"

"I can turn into a lot of bats," said Sally. "One bat is hard to do because you have to deal with changes in body mass, and you can"t do that if you"ve been Reformed for a while. Anyway, it gives me a headache."

"What was your last job?"