Thud! (Discworld 34)

"Duddle-dum-duddle-dum-duddle-dum!"

Ah, yes. No matter how bad things were, there was always room for them to get just that little bit worse ...

He pulled the smart brown box out of his pocket and flipped it open. The pointy-eared face of a small green imp stared up at him with that wistful, hopeless smile which, in its various incarnations, he"d come to know and dread.

"Good Morning, Insert Name Here! I am the Dis-Organizer Mark Five, "The Gooseberry"TM. How may I-" it began, speaking fast in order to get as much said as possible before the inevitable interruption.

"I swear I switched you off," said Vimes.

"You threatened me with a hammer," said the imp accusingly, and rattled the tiny bars. "He threatens state-of-the-Craft technomancy with a hammer, everybody!" it shouted. "He doesn"t even fill in the registration card! That"s why I have to call him Insert Nam-"

"I thought you"d got rid of that thing, sir," said Angua as Vimes snapped the lid shut. "I thought it had had an ... accident." "Hah!" said a muffled voice from the box.

"Sybil always gets me a new one," said Vimes, making a face. "A better one. But I know this one was turned off."

The box"s lid thrust upwards.

"I wake up for alarms!" the imp shrieked. "Ten colon Forty-Five Sit

for Damn Portrait!"

Vimes groaned. The portrait with Sir Joshua. He"d get into

trouble for this. He"d already missed two sittings. But this dwarf

thing was ... important.

"I won"t be able to make it," he mumbled.

"Then would you like to engage the handy-to-use Bluenose tm

Integrated Messenger Service?"

"What does that do?" said Vimes with deep suspicion. The

succession of Dis-Organizers he had owned had proved quite

successful at very nearly sorting out all the problems that stemmed

from owning them in the first place.

"Er, basically, it means me running with a message to the nearest

clacks tower really fast," said the imp hopefully.

"And do you come back?" said Vimes, hope also rising.

"Absolutely!"

"Thank you, no," said Vimes.

"How about a game of Splong!TM, specially devised for the Mark

Five?" pleaded the imp. "I have the bats right here. No? Perhaps you

would prefer the ever-popular Guess My Weight in Pigs? Or I could

whistle one of your favourite tunes? My iHUM tm function enables