Thud! (Discworld 34)

"Oh dear, where are my manners, constable?" she said, holding

out the other bulb. "This one"s yours . .

Laughter broke out around the room. Coppers are like any other

mob. The table"s been turned, and this way round it"s funnier. It"s a

bit of a laugh, a bit of fun. No harm done, eh?

"Come on, Fittly" said someone. "It"s only fair. She ate hers!" And

someone else, as someone always does, began to clap and urge "Eat!

Eat!" Others took it up, encouraged by the fact that Fittly had gone

bright red.

"Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!Eat!Eat!"

A man without an option, Fittly grabbed the bulb, forced it into

his mouth and bit it hard, to the accompaniment of cheers. A

moment later, Sally saw his eyes widen.

"Lance-Constable Humpeding?"

She turned. A young man of godlike proportions [1] was standing

[1] The better class of gods, anyway. Not the ones with the tentacles, obviously.

in the doorway. Unlike the armour of the other officers, his breastplate shone and the chain mail was quite devoid of rust.

"Everything all right?" The officer glanced at Fittly, who"d dropped to his knees and was coughing garlic across the room, but somehow quite failed to see him.

"Er, fine, sir," said Sally, puzzled, as Fittly began to throw up. "We"ve met already. Everyone calls me Captain Carrot. Come with me, please."

Out in the main office Carrot stopped and turned. "All right, lance-constable ... you had a bulb already prepared, right? Don"t look like that, there"s a vegetable barrow out in the square today. It"s not hard to work out."

"Er, Sergeant Angua did warn me. .

"So?"

"So I carved a garlic out of a radish, sir."

"And the one you gave Fittly?"

"Oh, that was a carved radish, too. I try not to touch garlic, sir,"

said Sally. Oh gods, this one really was attractive ...

"Really? Just a radish? He seemed to take it badly," said Carrot.

"I put a few fresh chilli seeds in it," Sally added. "About thirty, I

think."

"Oh? Why did you do that?"