Thud! (Discworld 34)

"But she"s a Black Ribboner," Carrot protested mildly. "She doesn"t-"

"She doesn"t have to do anything! She just is! For one of us, being around a vampire is like the worst bad hair day you can imagine. And believe me, a werewolf knows what a real bad hair day is!"

"Is it the smell?" said Carrot.

"Well, that"s not good, but it"s more than that. They"re so ... poised. So perfect. I get near her and I feel ... hairy. I can"t help it, it goes back thousands of years! It"s the image. Vampires are always so ... cool, so in control, but werewolves are, well, shambling animals. Underdogs."

"But that"s not true. A lot of Black Ribboners are totally neurotic, and you"re so sleek and-"

"Not when I"m around vampires! They trigger off something! Look, stop trying to be logical about it, will you? I hate it when you

get logical on me. Why didn"t Mister Vimes hold out? All right, all right, I"m on top of it. But it"s hard, that"s all."

"I"m sure it"s not easy for her, either-" Carrot began.

Angua gave him a Look. But that"s him, she thought. He really does think like that. It"s just that he doesn"t know when saying something like that is a really bad idea. Not easy for her? When was it ever easy for me? At least she probably doesn"t have to stash changes of clothes around the city! Okay, going cold bat can"t be nice, but we get cold bat every month. And when do I ever rip out a throat? I hunt chickens! And I pay for them in advance. Does she suffer from PIT? I don"t think so! Oh gods, and it"s already well past Waxing Gibbous tonight. I can feel my hair growing! Bloody vampires! They make such a big thing about not being murderous bloodsuckers any more. They get all the sympathy! Even his!

All this flashed past in a second. She said, "Let"s just get down there and get it done and get out, shall we?"

There was still a crowd hanging around near the entrance. Amongst them was Otto Chriek, who gave Carrot a little shrug.

There were still guards on duty, too, but it was clear that someone had been talking to them. They nodded to the squad when they arrived. One of them even opened the door, very politely.

Carrot beckoned the other watchmen closer.

"Everything we say will be overheard, understand?" he said. "Everything. So be careful. And remember - as far as they are concerned, you can"t see in the dark."

He led the way inside, to where Helmclever stood, beaming and edgy.

"Welcome, Head Banger," said the dwarf.

"Er, if we are using Morporkian, I would prefer Captain Carrot," said Carrot.

"As you wish, smelter," said the dwarf. "The elevator awaits!"

As they descended, Carrot said, "What powers this, please?"

"A Device," said Helmclever, pride breaking out over his nervousness.

"Really? You have many Devices?" said Carrot. "An axle and an average bar."

"An average bar? I"ve only ever heard of them."

"We are fortunate. I will be happy to show it to you. It is invaluable for food preparation," Helmclever gabbled. "And down below we have a number of cubes, of varying powers. Nothing may be withheld from the smelter. I am ordered to show you everything you wish to see and tell you everything you wish to know."

"Thank you," said Carrot, as the elevator stopped in blackness speckled with the corpse glow of vurms. "How large are your diggings here?"

"I cannot tell you that, said Helmclever quickly. "I do not know. Ah, here is Ardent. I will go back up-"

"No, Helmclever, remain with us, please," said a darker shadow in the gloom. "You should see this, too. Good day to you, Captain Carrot, and" - Angua detected an element of distaste - "ladies. Please follow me. I am sorry for the lack of light. Perhaps your eyes will adapt. I will be happy to describe to you any object that you touch. Now I will lead you to the place where the dreadful occurrence ... occurred."

Angua looked around as they were led along the tunnel, noting that Carrot had to walk with his knees slightly bent. Head Banger, eh? Funny, you never mention that to the lads!

Every dozen yards or so Ardent stopped in front of a round door, invariably with the vurms clustered around it, and turned a wheel. The doors creaked when they opened, and they opened with a ponderousness that suggested they were heavy. Here and there in the tunnels were ... things, mechanical things, hanging from the wall and clearly there with a purpose. Vurms glowed around them. She hadn"t got a clue what the objects were for, but Carrot greeted them with enthusiastic glee, like a schoolboy.

"You have air bells and water boots, Mr Ardent! I"ve only ever heard of them!"

"You were raised in the good rock of Copperhead, were you not, captain? Mining in this wet plain is like digging tunnels in the sea."