Thud! (Discworld 34)

"Actually, captain, I feel inexplicably cheerful. Would you like to hear how my day went?"

The showers in the Watch House were the talk of the city. Vimes had paid for them himself, after Vetinari made an acidic comment about the cost. They were a bit primitive and were really no more than watering-can heads connected to a couple of water tanks on the next floor, but after a night in Ankh-Morpork"s underworld the thought of being really clean was very attractive. Even so, Angua hesitated.

"This is wonderful," said Sally, turning gently under a spray. "What"s wrong?"

"Look, I"m dealing with it, all right?" snapped Angua, standing just beyond the shower. "It"s full moon, okay? The wolf is a bit strong."

Sally stopped scrubbing. "Oh, I see," she said. "Is it the whole B.A.T.H. thing?"

"You just had to say that, didn"t you?" said Angua, and forced herself to step on to the tiles.

"Well, what do you do normally?" said Sally, handing her the soap.

"Cold water, and pretend it"s rain. Don"t you dare laugh! Change of subject, right now!"

"All right. What did you think of Nobby"s girlfriend?" said Sally. "Tawneee? Friendly. Good-looking. .

"Try perfect physical beauty? Astonishing proportions? A walking classic?"

"Well ... yes. Pretty much," Angua conceded. "And all that is Nobby Nobbs"s girlfriend?"

"She seems to think so."

"You"re not telling me she deserves Nobby?" said Sally.

"Look, Verity Pushpram doesn"t deserve Nobby, and she"s got a weird squint, arms like a stevedore and cooks shellfish for a living," said Angua. "That"s how things are."

"Is she his old girlfriend?"

"He used to say so. As far as I know, the physical side of the relationship consists of her hitting him with a wet fish whenever he goes near her."

Angua squeezed the last of the slime out of her hair. It was tough stuff to lose. As it was, some of it was fighting not to go down the plughole.

That was enough. She didn"t like to spend too much time in the S.H.O.W.E.R. Another six or so sessions and the smell would have quite gone away. The important thing now was to remember to use a towel and not to shake herself dry.

"You think I went down there to impress Captain Carrot, don"t you?" said Sally, behind her.

Angua stopped, her head wrapped in towelling. Oh well, it was going to happen sooner or later ...

"No," she said.

"Your heartbeat says otherwise," Sally said meekly. "Don"t worry. I wouldn"t have a chance. His heart beats faster every time he looks at you, and yours skips a beat every time you see him."

Okay, then, this is it, said the wolf who was never far away, this is where we sort it out, claw against fang ... No! Don"t listen to the wolf! But it would help, wouldn"t it, if this stupid bitch stopped listening to the bat ...

"Stay out of people"s hearts," she growled.

"I can"t. You can"t switch off your nose, can you? Can you?"

The moment of the wolf had passed. Angua relaxed a little. His heart beat faster, did it?

"No" "she said, "I can"t."

"Has he ever seen you without your uniform?"

Ye gods, thought Angua, and headed for her clothes.

"Well ... of course..." she mumbled.