Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"All right, twenty minutes' breather," he muttered.

Igor turned, nodded to the party of wounded heading grimly onward, and said, "Permithion to thee if I can do anything for them, tharge?"

"You'll get your chance soon enough, lad," said the sergeant.

"Tharge?" said Igor, looking hurt.

"Oh, all right. If you must. D'you want someone to give you a hand?"

There was a nasty laugh from Corporal Strappi.

"Some athithtance would be a help, yeth, thargeant," said Igor, with dignity.

The sergeant looked at the squad, and nodded. "Private Halter, step forward! Know anything about doctorin'?"

The red-headed Tonker stepped forward smartly. "I've butchered pigs for me mam, sarge," he said.

"Capital! Better than an army surgeon, upon my oath. Off you go. Twenty minutes, remember!"

"And don't let Igor bring back any souvenirs!" said Strappi, and laughed his scraping laugh again.

The rest of the boys sat down on the grass by the road, and one or two of them disappeared into the bushes. Polly went on the same errand, but pushed in a lot further, and took the opportunity to make a little sock adjustment. They had a tendency to creep if she wasn't careful.

She froze at a rustling behind her, and then relaxed. She'd been careful. No one would have seen anything. So what if someone else was taking a leak? She'd just push her way back to the road and take no notice -

Lofty sprang up as Polly parted the bushes, breeches round one ankle, face red as a beetroot.

Polly couldn't help herself. Maybe it was the socks. Maybe it was the pleading expression on Lofty's face. When someone's broadcasting "Don't look!" the eyes have a mind of their own, and go where they're not wanted. Lofty jumped up, dragging at her clothes.

"No, look, it's all right - " Polly began, but it was too late. The girl had gone.

Polly stared at the bushes, and thought: Blast! There's two of us! But what would I have said next? "It's okay, I'm a girl too. You can trust me. We could be friends. Oh, and here's a good tip about socks"?

Igor and Tonker arrived back late, without a word. Sergeant Jackrum said nothing. The squad moved off.

Polly marched at the back, with Carborundum. This meant she could keep a wary eye on Lofty, whoever she was. For the first time, Polly really looked at her. She was easy to miss, because she was always, as it were, in Tonker's shadow. She was short, although now Polly knew she was female the word "petite" could be decently used, dark and dark-haired and had a strange, self-absorbed look, and she was always marching with Tonker. Come to think of it, she always slept close to him, too.

Ah, so that was it. She's following her boy, Polly thought. It was kind of romantic, and very, very dumb. Now she knew to look beyond the clothes and haircut, she could see all the little clues that Lofty was a girl, and a girl who hadn't planned enough. She saw Lofty whisper something to Tonker, who half turned and gave Polly a look of instant hatred and a hint of threat.

I can't tell her, she thought. She would tell him. I can't afford to let them know. I've put too much into this. I didn't just cut my hair and wear trousers. I planned...

Ah, yes... the plans.

It had begun as a sudden strange fancy, but it had continued as a plan. First, Polly had started to watch boys closely. This had been reciprocated hopefully by a few of them, to their subsequent disappointment. She observed how they moved, she listened to the rhythm of what passed, among boys, for conversation, she'd noted how they punched one another in greeting. It was a new world.

She already had good muscles for a girl, because running a large inn was all about moving heavy things, and she took over a number of the grittier chores, which coarsened her hands nicely. She'd even worn a pair of her brother's old breeches under her long skirt, to get the feel of them.

A woman could be beaten for that sort of thing. Men dressed like men and women like women; doing it the other way round was "a blasphemous Abomination Unto Nuggan", according to Father Jupe.

And that was probably the secret of her success so far, she thought, as she trudged through a puddle. People didn't look for a woman in trousers. To the casual observer, men's clothes and short hair and a bit of swagger were what it took to be a man. Oh, and a second pair of socks.

That had been gnawing at her, too. Someone knew about her, just as she knew about Lofty. And he hadn't given her away. She'd suspected it was Eyebrow, but doubted it; he'd have told the sergeant about her, he was that sort. Right now she was guessing it was Maladict, but perhaps that was just because he seemed so knowing all the time.

Carbor - no, he'd been out cold, and in any case... no, not the troll. And Igor lisped. Tonker? After all, he'd know about Lofty so maybe... No, because why would he want to help Polly? No, there was nothing but danger in owning up to Lofty. The best she could do was try to see to it that the girl didn't give both of them away.

She could hear Tonker whispering to his girl. "... had just died so he cut off one of his legs and an arm and sewed 'em on men who needed 'em, just like I'd darn a tear! You should've seen it! You couldn't see his fingers move! And he has all these ointments that just..." Tonker's voice died away. Strappi was haranguing Wazzer again.

"Dat Strappi really gets on my crags," muttered Carborundum. "You want I should pull the head off f him? I c'd make it look like a accident."