Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

" - and take Kneck Keep from under their noses!"

Jackrum's tea sprayed across the clearing.

"I dare say our enemy feels impregnable just because he commands a heavily armed fort on a rocky crag with walls a hundred feet high and twenty feet thick," Blouse continued, as if half the trees weren't now dripping tea. "But he is in for a surprise!"

"You all right, sarge?" whispered Polly. Jackrum was making strange little noises in his throat.

"Does anyone have any questions?" said Blouse.

Igorina raised a branch. "How will we get in, sir?" she said.

"Ah. Good question," said Blouse. "And all will become apparent in due time."

"Aerial cavalry," said Maladict.

"Pardon, corporal?"

"Flying machines, sir!" said Maladict. "They won't know where to expect us. We touch down in a handy LZ, take them out, and then dust off."

Blouse's clear brow wrinkled a little. "Flying machines?" he said.

"I saw a picture of one by someone called Leonard of Quirm. A sort of... flying windmill. It's just like a big screw up in the sky - "

"I don't think we need one of those, although the advice is welcomed," said Blouse.

"Not when we've got a big screw-up down here, sir!" Jackrum managed. "Sir, this is just a bunch of recruits, sir! All that stuff about honour and freedom and that, that was just for the writer man, right? Good idea, sir! Yeah, let's get to the Kneck valley, and let's sneak in and join the rest of the lads. That's where we ought to be, sir. You can't be serious about taking the Keep, sir! I wouldn't try that with a thousand men."

"I might try it with half a dozen, sergeant."

Jackrum's eyes bulged. "Really, sir? What'll Private Goom do? Tremble at them? Young Igor will stitch 'em up, will he? Private Halter will give 'em a nasty look? They're promising lads, sir, but they're not men."

"General Tacticus said the fate of a battle may depend upon the actions of one man in the right place, sergeant," said Blouse calmly.

"And having a lot more soldiers than the other bugger, sir," Jackrum insisted. "Sir, we should get to the rest of the army. Maybe it's trapped, maybe it isn't. All that stuff about them not wanting to slaughter us, sir, that makes no sense. The idea is to win, sir. If the rest of 'em have stopped attacking, it's because they're frightened of us. We should be down there. That's the place for young recruits, sir, where they can learn. The enemy is looking for 'em, sir!"

"If General Froc is among those captured, the Keep will be where he is held," said Blouse. "I believe he was the first officer you served under as sergeant, am I right?"

Jackrum hesitated. "That's right, sir," he said eventually. "And he was the dumbest lieutenant I've ever met, bar one."

"I am positive there is a secret entrance into the Keep, sergeant."

Polly's memory nudged her. If Paul was alive, he was in the Keep. She caught Shufti's eye. The girl nodded. She'd been thinking along the same lines. She didn't talk much about her... fianc¨¦, and Polly wondered how official the arrangement was.

"Permission to speak, sarge?" she said.

"Okay, Perks."

"I'd like to try to find a way into the Keep, sarge."

"Perks, are you volunteering to attack the biggest, strongest castle within five hundred miles? Single-handed?"

"I'll go, too," said Shufti.

"Oh, two of you?" said Jackrum. "Oh, well, that's all right then."

"I'll go," said Wazzer. "The Duchess has told me that I should."

Jackrum looked down at Wazzer's thin little face and watery eyes, and sighed. He turned back to Blouse. "Let's get a move on, sir, shall we? We can talk about this later. At least we're headed to Kneck, first stop on the road to hell. Perks and Igor, you take point. Maladict?"