Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"Your concern for your men does you credit, sergeant, but it falls to us - "

"A famous last stand, sir?" said Jackrum. He spat expertly into the fire in the tumbledown hearth. "To hell with them, sir. That's just a way of dyin' famous!"

"Sergeant, your insubordination is getting - "

"I'll go," said Polly quietly.

Both men stopped, turned and stared.

"I'll go," Polly repeated, louder. "Someone ought to."

"Don't be daft, Perks!" snapped Jackrum. "You don't know what's in there, you don't know what guards are waitin' just inside the door, you don't know - "

"I'll find out, then, sarge, won't I," said Polly, smiling desperately. "Maybe I can get to somewhere where you can see and send signals, or..."

"On this issue, at least, the sergeant and I are of one mind, Perks," said Blouse. "Really, private, it would simply not work. Oh, you're brave, certainly, but what makes you think you stand a chance of passing yourself off as a woman?"

"Well, sir... what?"

"Your keenness will not go unrecorded, Perks," said Blouse, smiling. "But, y'know, a good officer keeps an eye on his men and I have to say that I've noticed in you, in all of you, little... habits, perfectly normal, nothing to worry about, like the occasional deep exploration of a nostril maybe, and a tendency to grin after passing wind, a natural boyish inclination to, ahem, scratch your... selves in public... that sort of thing. These are the kind of little details that'd give you away in a trice and tell any observer that you were a man in women's clothing, believe me."

"I'm sure I could pull it off, sir," said Polly weakly. She could sense Jackrum's eyes on her. You bloomi - you bloody well know, don't you. How long have you known?

Blouse shook his head. "No, they would see through you in a flash. You are a fine bunch of lads, but there is only one man here who'd stand a chance of getting away with it. Manickle?"

"Yessir?" said Shufti, rigid with instant panic.

"Can you find me a dress, do you think?"

Maladict was the first to break the silence. "Sir, are you telling us... you're going to try to get in dressed as a woman?"

"Well, I'm clearly the only one who's had any practice," said Blouse, rubbing his hands together. "At my old school, we were in and out of skirts all the time." He looked around at the circle of absolutely expressionless faces. "Theatricals, you see?" he said brightly. "No gels at our boarding school, of course. But we didn't let that stop us. Why, my Lady Spritely in A Comedy of Cuckolds is still talked about, I understand, and as for my Yumyum¨C Is Sergeant Jackrum all right?"

The sergeant had folded up, but with his face level with his knees he managed to croak: "Old war wound, sir. Come upon me sudden, like."

"Please help him, Private Igor. Where was I... I can see you all look puzzled, but there's nothing strange about this. Fine old tradition, men dressing up as gels. In the sixth form, the chaps used to do it for a jape all the time." He paused for a moment, and added thoughtfully, "Especially Wrigglesworth, for some reason..." He shook his head as if dislodging a thought and went on: "Anyway, I have some experience in this field, d'ye see?"

"And... what would you do if - I mean when you got in, sir?" said Polly. "You won't just have to fool the guards. There'll be other women in there."

"That will not present a problem, Perks," said Blouse. "I shall act in a feminine way and I have this stage trick, d'ye see, where I make my voice sound quite high-pitched, like this." The falsetto could have scratched glass. "See?" he said. "No, if we need a woman, I'm your man." "Amazing, sir," said Maladict. "For a moment I could have sworn there was a woman in the room."

"And I could certainly find out if there are any other badly guarded entrances," Blouse went on. "Who knows, I might even be able to procure a key off one of the guards by means of feminine wiles! In any case, if things are all clear I shall send a signal. A towel hanging from a window, perhaps. Something clearly unusual, anyway."

There was some more silence. Several of the squad were staring at the ceiling.

"Ye-es," said Polly. "I can see you've thought this out carefully, sir."

Blouse sighed. "If only Wriggles worth were here," he said.

"Why, sir?"

"Amazingly clever chap at layin' his hands on a dress, young Wrigglesworth," said the lieutenant.

Polly caught Maladict's eye. The vampire made face and shrugged.

"Um..." said Shufti.

"Yes, Manickle?"