Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

" - canoodle with them," Polly finished, blushing, and then after a second's thought added, "Unless she's had a glass of sherry, anyway."

"And I do thuggetht you go and have a thhave, thur..."

"Thhave?" said Blouse.

"Shave, sir," said Polly. "I'll lay out the kit, sir."

"Ooh, yes. Of course. Don't see many old women with beards, eh? Except my Auntie Parthenope, as I recall. And... er... no one's got a couple of balloons, have they?"

"Er, why, sir?" said Tonker.

"A big bosom always gets a laugh," said Blouse. He looked round the row of faces. "Not a good idea, perhaps? I got a huge round of applause as the Widow Trembler in 'Tis Pity She's a Tree. No?"

"I think Igor could sew something a bit more, er, realistic, sir," said Polly.

"Really? Oh, well, if you really think so," said Blouse dejectedly. "I'll just go and get myself into character."

He disappeared into the building's only other room. After a few seconds, the rest of them heard him reciting "lawks, my poor feet!" in varying tones of fingernail screech.

The squad went into a huddle.

"What was all that about?" said Tonker.

"He was talking about the theatre," said Maladict.

"What's that?"

"An Abomination Unto Nuggan, of course," said the vampire. "It'd take too long to explain, dear child. People pretending to be other people to tell a story in a huge room where the world is a different place. Other people sitting and watching them and eating chocolate. Very, very Abominable."

"I woud like to eat chocolates in a great big room where the world is a different place," mumbled Lofty sadly.

"I saw a Punch and Judy show in the town once," said Shufti. "Then they dragged the man away and it became an Abomination."

"I remember that," said Polly. Crocodiles should not be seen to eat figures of authority, apparently, although until the puppet show no one in the town knew what a crocodile was. The bit where the clown had beaten his wife had also contravened Abomination, because he'd used a stick thicker than the regulation one inch.

"The lieutenant won't last a minute, you know," she said.

"Yes, but he won't listen, will he?" said Igorina. "I'll do the best with my scissorth and needle to make a woman of him, but - "

"Igorina, when it's you talking about this sort of thing, some very strange pictures turn up in my head," said Maladict.

"Sorry," said Igorina

"Can you pray for him, Wazzer?" said Polly. "I think we're going to need a miracle here."

Wazzer obediently closed her eyes and folded her hands for a moment and then said shyly: "I'm afraid she says it will take more than a turkey."

"Wazz?" said Polly. "Do you really - " Then she stopped, with the bright little face watching her.

"Yes, I do," said Wazzer. "I really talk to the Duchess."

"Yeah, well, I used to, too," snapped Tonker. "I used to beg her, once. That stupid face just stared and did nothing. She never stopped anything. All that stuff, all that stupid - " The girl stopped, too many words blocking her brain. "Anyway, why should she talk to you?"

"Because I listen," said Wazzer quietly.

"And what does she say?"

"Sometimes she just cries."