Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

Soldiers... attention! ;Yes! No! Yes! Please!" said the captain, giving the guard the agonized glance of a man who knows that he's going to be the laughing stock of the whole fort inside the hour. "Once was quite - I mean, I've seen... look, I'm completely satisfied. Private, go and fetch one of the women from the laundry. I am so sorry, ladies, I... I have a job to do..."

"Do you enjoy it?" said Polly, still freezing.

"Yes!" said the captain hurriedly. "I mean, no! No, yes! We have to be careful... ah..."

The big soldier had returned, trailing a woman. Polly stared.

"Some, er, new volunteers," said the captain, waving vaguely towards the squad. "I'm sure Mrs Enid will have some use for them... er..."

"Certainly, captain," said the woman, curtsying demurely. Polly still stared.

"Off you go... ladies," said the captain. "And if you're hard workers Mrs Enid will I am sure give you a pass so's we don't have this trouble again... er..."

Shufti put both hands on his desk, leaned towards him and said "Boo". His chair hit the wall.

"I may not be clever," she said to Polly. "But I'm not stupid."

But Polly was still staring at Lieutenant Blouse. He'd curtsied surprisingly well.

The soldier escorted them along a tunnel which opened onto a ledge overlooking what was either a cave or a room; it was at that level in the Keep where there was not much difference. This wasn't a laundry, but clearly some hot, damp afterlife for those who required punishment with extra scrubbing. Steam rolled across the ceiling, condensed, and dripped onto a floor that was already running with water. And it went on for ever, washtub after washtub. Women moved like ghosts through the drifting, tumbling clouds of fog.

"There you go, ladies," he said, and slapped Blouse on the rump. "See you tonight, then, Daphne?"

"Oh, yes!" trilled Blouse.

"Five o'clock, then," said the soldier, and ambled off down the corridor.

"Daphne?" said Polly, when the man had gone.

"My 'nom de guerre'," said Blouse. "I still haven't found a way out of the lower areas but the guards all have keys and I shall have his key in my hand by half past five. Pardon?"

"I think Tonker - sorry, Magda - just bit her tongue," said Polly.

"Her? Oh, yes. Well done for staying in character, er..."

"Polly," said Polly.

"Good choice of name," said Blouse, leading the way down some steps. "It's a good common, maidservanty sort of name."

"Yes, that's what I thought," said Polly gravely.

"Er... Sergeant Jackrum not with you, then?" said the lieutenant, with a trace of nervousness.

"No, sir. He said he was going to lead a charge on the main gates, sir, if we sent him a signal. I hope he doesn't try without one."

"Good heavens, the man's mad," said Blouse. "Splendid effort from the lads, though. Well done. You'd definitely pass for women to the casual observer."

"Coming from you, Daphne, that is a big compliment," said Polly, thinking: gosh, I'm really good at keeping a straight face.

"But you didn't need to come after me," said Blouse. "I'm sorry I couldn't get a signal to you, but Mrs Enid allowed me to stay overnight, you see. The guards don't do so many checks at night so I made use of my time to look for ways into the Upper Keep. All gated or really heavily guarded, I'm afraid. However, Private Hauptfidel has taken rather a shine to me..."

"Well done, sir!" said Polly.

"Sorry, I want to be clear, sir," said Tonker. "You have a date with a guard."

"Yes, and I'll suggest we go somewhere dark and then when I've got what I want I shall break his neck," said Blouse.

"Isn't that going a bit far on a first date?" said Tonker.