Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"The socks?" said Blouse, puzzled.

"In fact I think your other idea would be better, sir," said Polly hurriedly.

"Yes... my, er... other idea... which one was that, exactly?"

"The one where we escape from the washhouse via the clothes-drying area, sir, after silently disabling three guards, sir. There's a kind of moving room down the corridor over there, sir, which gets winched all the way to the roof. Two guards go up there with the women, sir, and there's another guard up on the roof. Acting together, we'd take out each unsuspecting guard, which would be more certain than you against an armed man, with all due respect, sir, and that would leave us very well positioned to go anywhere in the Keep via the rooftops, sir. Well done, sir!"

There was a pause. "Did I, er, go into all that detail?" said Blouse.

"Oh, no, sir. You shouldn't have to, sir. Sergeants and corporals deal with the fine detail. Officers are there to see the big picture."

"Oh, absolutely. And, er... how big was this particular picture?" said Blouse, blinking.

"Oh, very big, sir. A very big picture indeed, sir."

"Ah," said Blouse, and straightened up and assumed what he considered to be the expression of one with panoramic vision.

"Some of the ladies here used to work in the Upper Keep, sir, when it was ours," Polly went on quickly. "Anticipating your order, sir, I had the squad engage them in light conversation about the layout of the place, sir. Being aware of the general thrust of your strategy, sir, I think I have found a route to the dungeons."

She paused. It had been good flannelling, she knew. It was almost worthy of Jackrum. She'd larded it with as many "sirs" as she dared. And she was very proud of "anticipating your order".

She hadn't heard Jackrum use it, but with a certain amount of care it was an excuse to do almost anything. "General thrust" was pretty good, too.

"Dungeons," said Blouse thoughtfully, momentarily losing sight of the big picture. "In fact I thought I said - "

"Yessir. Because, sir, if we can get a lot of the lads out of the dungeons, sir, you'll be in command inside the enemy's citadel, sir!"

Blouse grew another inch, and then sagged again. "Of course, there are some very senior officers here. All of them senior to me - "

"Yessir!" said Polly, well on the way to graduating from the Sergeant Jackrum School of Outright Rupert Management. "Perhaps we'd better try to let the enlisted men out first, sir? We don't want to expose the officers to enemy fire."

It was shameless and stupid, but now the light of battle was in Blouse's eyes. Polly decided to fan it, just in case. "Your leadership has really been a great example to us, sir," she said.

"Has it?"

"Oh, yes, sir."

"No officer could have led a finer bunch of men, Perks," said Blouse.

"Probably they have, sir," said Polly.

"And what man could dare hope for such an opportunity, eh?" said Blouse. "Our names will go down in the history books! Well, mine will, obviously, and I shall jolly well see to it that you chaps get a mention too. And who knows? Perhaps I may win the highest accolade that a gallant officer may obtain!"

"What's that, sir?" said Polly dutifully.

"Having either a foodstuff or an item of clothing named after one," said Blouse, his face radiant. "General Froc got both, of course. The frock coat and Beef Froc. Of course, I could never aspire that high." He looked down bashfully. "But I have to say, Perks, that I have devised several recipes, just in case!"

"So we'll be eating a Blouse one day, sir?" said Polly. She was watching the baskets being stacked.

"Possibly, possibly, if I may dare hope," said Blouse. "Er... my favourite is a sort of pastry ring, d'you see, filled with cream and soaked in rum - "

"That's a Rum Baba, sir," said Polly absently. Tonker and the others were watching the stacked baskets, too.

"It's been done?"

"'fraid so, sir."

"How about... er... a dish of liver and onions?"