Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"Oh dear, who will save us?" Daphne quavered.

"We'll have to find a way to pass the time, eh?" said one of the guards. Polly sighed. That was one of those phrases, like "Well, lookee what we have here", that meant things were only going to get a lot worse.

"We know how it is, ladies," the guard went on. "Your menfolk away, and all. It's as bad for us, too. I can't remember when I last kissed my wife."

"And I can't remember when I last kissed his wife, either," said the corporal.

Tonker jumped up, caught a beam, and chinned herself to the top of the box. The elevator shook and, somewhere, a piece of rock dislodged and crashed down the shaft.

"Hey, you can't do that!" said the corporal.

"Where does it say?" said Tonker. "Polly, there's one of those filled-in tunnels here, only most of the stones have been knocked out. We could get in easily."

"You can't get out! We'll get into trouble!" said the corporal.

Polly pulled his sword out of his scabbard. The space was too crowded to do much with it except threaten, but she had it, not him. It made a huge difference.

"You're already in trouble," she said. "Please don't force me to make it worse. Let's get out of here. Is that okay, Daphne?"

"Um... yes, of course," said Blouse.

The other guard laid a hand on his own sword.

"Okay, girls, this has gone - " he began, and then slumped. Shufti lowered her copper stick.

"I hope I didn't hit him too hard," she said.

"Who cares? Come on, I can give you all a hand up," said Tonker.

"Igorina, could you have a look at him, and - " Shufti began nervously.

"He's a man, and he's groaning," said Tonker from above. "That's good enough for me. Come on."

The lone guard watched as the others were womanhandled onto the beams.

"Er, excuse me," he said to Polly, as she helped Blouse up.

"Yes? What?"

"Would you mind giving me a wallop on the back of the head?" he said, looking wretched. "So that it doesn't look like I didn't put up a fight against a bunch of women."

"Why don't you put up a fight?" said Polly, narrowing her eyes. "We're only a bunch of women."

"I'm not crazy!" said the guard.

"Here, let me," said Igorina, producing her stick. "Blows to the head are potentially harmful and should not be undertaken lightly. Turn round, sir. Remove your helmet, please. Would twenty minutes' unconsciousness be okay?"

"Yes, thanks very mu - "

The guard folded up.

"I really hope I didn't hurt the other one," moaned Shufti, from above.

"He's swearing," said Polly, removing his sword. "That sounds like he's okay."

She handed up the candles, and then was hauled onto the trembling roof of the elevator. When she had a firm footing in the mouth of the tunnel she found a sliver of stone and stamped it hard into the space between the shaft wall and the wooden frame, which shook. It wasn't going anywhere for a while.

Tonker and Lofty were already investigating the tunnel. By candlelight, it looked like good masonry beyond the clumsy attempt at walling it up.