Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

Blouse opened his eyes and smiled wanly when Polly approached. "Ah, Perks," he said. "We almost made it, eh?"

"Sorry we let you down, sir," said Polly. "Permission to sit, sir?"

"Treat the rather chilly flagstones as if they were your own," said Blouse. "And it was I that let you down, I'm afraid."

"Oh, no, sir - " Polly protested.

"You were my first command," said Blouse. "Well, apart from Corporal Drebb and he was seventy and only had one arm, poor chap." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "All I had to do was get you to the valley. That was all. But, no, I foolishly dreamed of a world where everyone would one day wear a Blouse. Or eat one, possibly. I should have listened to Sergeant Jackrum! Oh, will I ever look my dear Emmeline in the face again?"

"I don't know, sir," said Polly.

"That was meant to be more of a rhetorical cry of despair than an actual question, Perks," said Blouse.

"Sorry, sir," said Polly. She took a deep breath, ready for the plunge into the icy depths of the truth. "Sir, you ought to know that - "

"And I'm afraid once they realize we aren't women we'll be put in the big dungeons," the lieutenant went on. "Very big, and very dirty, I'm told. And very crowded."

"Sir, we are women, sir," said Polly.

"Yes, well done, Perks, but we don't have to pretend any more."

"You don't understand, sir. We really are women. All of us."

Blouse grinned nervously. "I think you've got a little... confused, Perks. I seem to recall that the same thing happened to Wrigglesworth - "

"Sir - "

" - although I have to say he was very good at choosing curtains - "

"No, sir. I was a - I am a girl, and I cut my hair and pretended I was a boy and took the Duchess's shilling, sir. Take my word for it, sir, because I really don't want to have to draw you a picture. We played a trick on you, sir. Well, not a trick, really, but we, all of us, had reasons for being somewhere else, sir, or at least not being where we were. We lied."

Blouse stared at her. "You're sure?"

"Yes, sir. I am of the female persuasion. I check every day, sir."

"And Private Halter?"

"Yes, sir."

"And Lofty?"

"Oh, yes, sir. Both of them, sir. Don't go there, sir."

"What about Shufti?"

"Expecting a baby, sir."

Suddenly, Blouse looked terrified. "Oh, no. Here?"

"Not for several months, sir, I believe."

"And poor little Private Goom?"

"A girl, sir. And Igor is really an Igorina. And wherever she is, Carborundum is really Jade. We're not sure about Corporal Maladict. But the rest of us definitely have pink blankets, sir."

"But you didn't act like women!"

"No, sir. We acted like men, sir. Sorry, sir. We just wanted to find our men or get away or prove a point or something. Sorry it had to happen to you, sir."