Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"No, sir. I become tetchy, sir. But I think a little tetchiness is called for right now. I put a question to Captain Strappi, sir."

"Very well, captain, perhaps you will tell us why you were with that recruiting party?" said the general wearily.

"I was... investigating a soldier, sir. A non-commissioned officer. Our attention had been drawn to irregularities in his files, sir, and where there are irregularities we generally find sedition. I hesitate to talk about this, sir, because this sergeant has been of some service to yourself - "

"Hrumph!" said the general loudly. "This is not a matter for discussion here, I think."

"It was just that according to the files, several officers had helped - " Strappi went on.

"Hrumph! Not matters for this court, captain! Are we agreed, gentlemen?"

"Yes, sir, it was just that the major asked me and I - " Strappi began, bewildered.

"Captain, I suggest you learn what a hrumph means!" roared Froc.

"So what were you looking for when you rummaged through our stuff?" said Polly, as Strappi shrank.

"Mmmmmy cccccoffee!" said Maladict. "Yyyyyou ssssstole mmmmmy cccccoffee!"

"And you ran away when you were told you were going into combat, you little dog's pizzle!" said Tonker. "Polly said you pissed your drawers!"

General Froc slammed his fist on the table, but Polly noticed that one or two officers were trying to conceal a smile. "These are not matters for this inquiry!" he said.

"Although, sir, one or two of them seem to me to be subjects for investigation later on," said a colonel, further along the table. "The personal belongings of enlisted men may only be searched in their presence, general. This may seem a trivial point, but men have mutinied over it in the past. Did you, in fact, believe the... men to be women when you did this, captain?"

Oh, say yes, please say yes, Polly thought, as Strappi hesitated. Because when we talk about how those cavalrymen found us so quickly, it'll mean you set them on a bunch of Borogravian girls. Let's see how that one plays in Pl¨¹n! And if you didn't know, then why were you rummaging?

Strappi preferred the rock to the hard place. Stone clattered down in the courtyard outside, and he had to raise his voice to make himself heard.

"I was, er, generally suspicious of them, sir, because they were so keen - "

"Sir, I protest!" said Clogston. "Keenness is not a military vice!"

"In moderation, certainly," said Froc. "And you found evidence of some sort, did you?"

"I did find a petticoat, sir," said Strappi, feeling his way with care.

"Then why didn't you - " Froc began, but Strappi interrupted.

"I did serve for a while with Captain Wrigglesworth, sir," he said.

"And?" said Froc, but the officer on his left leaned over and whispered something to him. "Oh, Wrigglesworth. Ha, yes," said Froc. "Of course. Fine officer, Wrigglesworth. Keen on, er - "

"Amateur dramatics," a colonel supplied, in a noncommittal voice.

"Right! Right! Ver' good for morale, that sort of thing. Hrumph."

"With respect, general, I think I can offer a way through?" said another man with a general's rank.

"Really, Bob?" said Froc. "Oh, well... feel free. The record will show that I am yielding the floor to General Kzupi."

"I'm sorry, sir, I thought these proceedings were not being recorded?" said Clogston.

"Yes, yes, of course, thank you so much for jogging my memory," said Froc. "However, if we were to have a record, that is what it would show. Bob?"

"Ladies," said General Kzupi, flashing the squad a glossy smile. "And you too, of course, Lieutenant Blouse, and you too, er..." he looked quizzically at Maladict, who stared straight back "...sir?" General Kzupi, though, was not to be derailed by an eyeballing vampire, even one that couldn't stand still. "Firstly, may I offer on behalf of all of us, I think, our thanks for the incredible job you have done? A splendid effort. But, sadly, the world we live in has certain... rules, you understand? To be frank, the problem here is not that you are women. As such, that is. But you persist in maintaining that you are. You see? We can't have that."

"You mean if we put on uniforms again, and swaggered around belching and saying 'har har, fooled you all' that would be all right?" said Polly.