Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

Just behind the major, Blouse was making a universal gesture. It consisted of both hands held palm up and outwards and waggled furiously with all fingers extended.

"Hah, yes. Stole some clothes from a knockin' shop, eh? Young lads like you shouldn't have gone in a place like that, eh? Those places are an Abomination, if they're run right!" said the major, wagging a finger theatrically. "Anyway, we're doing well. Hardly any guards this deep in the Keep, y'see. The whole place was built on the basis that the enemy would be on the outside! I say, what's that man doin' to the man on the slab?"

"Patching him up, thur," said Igorina. "Thewing hith arm back on."

"He's an enemy, ain't he?"

"Code of the Igorth, thur," said Igorina reproachfully. "A thpare hand where needed, thur."

The major sniffed. "Oh well, can't argue with you fellows, eh? But when you've finished, we've got plenty of chaps out there who could do with your help."

"Thertainly, thur," said Igorina.

"Any news of my brother, sir?" said Polly. "Paul Perks?"

"Yes, Blouse here mentioned him, Perks, but there's men locked up everywhere and it's a little tricky right now, eh?" said the major brusquely. "As for the rest of you, we'll get you into a pair of trousers as soon as possible and you can join in the fun, eh?"

"The fun," said Tonker, in a hollow voice.

"The fun being...?" said Polly.

"We've got as far as the fourth floor already," said von Moldvitz. "We might not have the whole Keep back, but we hold the outer courtyards and some of the towers. By morning, we'll control who comes in and goes out. We're back in the war! They won't invade now. Most of their top brass are in the inner keep."

"Back in the war," murmured Polly.

"And we will win!" said the major.

"Oh, sugar," said Shufti.

Something was going to give, Polly knew. Tonker had that look she got before she exploded, and even Shufti was fidgeting. It would only be a matter of time before Lofty found her box of matches, which Polly had hidden in a cupboard.

Igorina packed up her bag and smiled brightly at the major. "Ready to go, thur," she said.

"At least remove the wig, eh?"

"It'th my own hair, thur," said Igorina.

"Looks a bit... cissy, then," said the major. "It would be better if - "

"I am, in fact, female, sir," said Igorina, dropping most of the lisp. "Trust me, I'm an Igor. We know about this sort of thing. And my needlework ith second to none."

"A woman?" said the major.

Polly sighed. "We all are, sir. Really women. Not just dressed up as women. And right now I don't want to put any trousers on because then I'd be a woman dressed up as a man dressed up as a woman dressed up as a man, and then I'd be so confused I wouldn't know how to swear. And I want to swear right now, sir, very much."

The major turned stiffly to Blouse. "Did you know about this, lieutenant?" he barked.

"Well... yes, sir. Eventually. But even so, sir, I would - "

This cell was an old guardroom. It was damp, and had two creaking bunks.

"On the whole," said Tonker, "I think it was better when we were locked up by the enemy."

"There's a grille in the ceiling," said Shufti.

"Not big enough to climb through," said Polly.

"No, but we can hang ourselves before they do it."