Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"Amateur dramatics," a colonel supplied, in a noncommittal voice.

"Right! Right! Ver' good for morale, that sort of thing. Hrumph."

"With respect, general, I think I can offer a way through?" said another man with a general's rank.

"Really, Bob?" said Froc. "Oh, well... feel free. The record will show that I am yielding the floor to General Kzupi."

"I'm sorry, sir, I thought these proceedings were not being recorded?" said Clogston.

"Yes, yes, of course, thank you so much for jogging my memory," said Froc. "However, if we were to have a record, that is what it would show. Bob?"

"Ladies," said General Kzupi, flashing the squad a glossy smile. "And you too, of course, Lieutenant Blouse, and you too, er..." he looked quizzically at Maladict, who stared straight back "...sir?" General Kzupi, though, was not to be derailed by an eyeballing vampire, even one that couldn't stand still. "Firstly, may I offer on behalf of all of us, I think, our thanks for the incredible job you have done? A splendid effort. But, sadly, the world we live in has certain... rules, you understand? To be frank, the problem here is not that you are women. As such, that is. But you persist in maintaining that you are. You see? We can't have that."

"You mean if we put on uniforms again, and swaggered around belching and saying 'har har, fooled you all' that would be all right?" said Polly.

"Perhaps I could help?" said yet another voice. Froc looked along the table.

"Ah, Brigadier Stoffer. Yes?"

"This is all rather damn silly, general - " "Hrumph!" said Froc.

"What say?" said Stoffer, looking puzzled.

"There are ladies present, brigadier. That is, ahah, the problem."

"Damn right!" said Tonker.

"Understood, general. But the party was led by a man, am I right?"

"Lieutenant Blouse tells me he is a man, sir," said Clogston. "Since he is an officer and a gentleman, I will take his word for it."

"Well, then, problem solved. These young ladies helped him. Smuggled him in, and so forth. Assisted him. Fine traditions of Borogravian womanhood and all that. Not soldiers at all. Give the man a big medal and make him a captain, and all this'll be forgotten."

"Excuse me one moment, general," said Clogston. "I will consult with what we would call the accused if anyone would enlighten me as to the precise nature of the charges."

He walked over to the squad and lowered his voice. "I think this is the best offer you're going to get," he said. "I can probably get the money, too. How about it?"

"It's completely ridiculous!" said Blouse. "They showed tremendous courage and determination. All this would not have been possible without them."

"Yes, Blouse, and you would be allowed to say that," said Clogston. "Stoffer has come up with quite a clever idea. Everyone gets what they want, but you just have to avoid any suggestion that you were in fact acting as soldiers. Brave Borogravian women going to the aid of a gallant hero, that works. You could take the view that these are changing times, and you are helping them change faster. Well?"

The squad exchanged glances.

"Er... I'd be happy about that," Shufti ventured. "If everyone else is."

"So you'd have your baby without a husband?" said Polly.

"He's probably dead anyway, whoever he was," sighed Shufti.

"The general has influence," said Clogston. "He might be able to - "

"No, I'm not buying into this," said Tonker. "It's a gooey little lie. To hell with them."

"Lofty?" said Polly.

Lofty struck a match, and stared at it. She could find matches anywhere.

There was another crump, high above.