"Yeah, that sort of thing," said Jackrum, grinning. "Always a big concern to them, the whole latrine business. Least of your worries, I used to say. In peace no one cares, in battle everyone takes a piss the same way, and damn quickly, too. Oh, I helped 'em. I was their whatsit, their eminence grease, and grease it was, too, slidin' them to the top. Jackrum's Little Lads, I called 'em."
"And they never suspected?"
"What, suspect Jolly Jack Jackrum, so full of rum and vinegar?" said Jackrum, the old evil grin coming back. "Jack Jackrum, who could stop a bar fight by belchin'? No, sir! I dare say some of 'em suspected something, maybe, I dare say they worked out that there was something going on somewhere, but I was just the big fat sergeant who knew everyone and everything and drank everything, too."
Polly dabbed at her eyes. "What are you going to do now, then, if you don't go to Scritz?"
"Oh, I've got a bit put by," said Jackrum. "More than a bit, in point of actual fact. Pillage, plunder, loot... it all adds up, what ever you call it. I didn't piss it all up against a wall like the other lads, right? I expect I can remember most of the bleedin' places I buried it. Always thought I might open an inn, or maybe a knocking shop... oh, a proper high class place, you don't have to look at me like that, nothin' like that stinking tent. No, I'm talkin' about one with a chef and chandeliers and a lot of red velvet, very exclusive. I'd get some nobby lady to front it and I'd be the bouncer and run the bar. Here's a tip, lad, for your future career, and it's one some of the other Little Lads learned for 'emselves: sometimes it'll help if you visits one of them naughty places, otherwise the men'll wonder about you. I always used to take a book to read and advise the young lady to get some sleep, 'cos they does a tough job." ;Yes!" said Polly, letting the "just" go for now.
The captain leaned closer and spoke while trying not to move his lips.
"Dan gug show. Ell done. Agout time soes arragunk arsetards ere aken own a eg!"
He leaned back. "Commander Vimes it is, then. Follow me, miss."
Polly felt hundreds of eyes on her as the squad was let into the Inner Keep. There were one or two wolf whistles, because there were more soldiers in there, including quite a few trolls. Jade bent down, snatched up a rock, and hurled it at one of them, hitting him between the eyes.
"No one move!" shouted Maladict, waving his hands urgently as a hundred men raised their weapons. "That was the troll version of blowing a kiss!"
And, indeed, the troll who had been hit was waving at Jade, a little unsteadily.
"Can we knock it off with the lovey-dovey, please?" said Polly to Jade. "The soft people are likely to get the wrong idea."
"It's stopped the whistling, though," Maladict observed.
More people watched them as they climbed flight after flight of stone steps. No one could take this place, Polly could see that. Every flight was seen by another one higher up, every visitor would be sighted on before she'd even glimpsed a face.
A figure stepped out of the shadows as they reached the next floor. It was a young woman, in old-fashioned leather and mail armour, with a breastplate. She had long, very fair hair; for the first time in weeks, Polly felt a twinge of envy.
"Thank you, captain, I'll take over from here," she said, and nodded to Polly. "Good evening, Corporal Perks... if you would follow me, please?"
"She's a woman! And a sergeant!" Maladict whispered.
"Yes, I know," said Polly.
"But she gave an order to that captain!"
"Maybe she's a political..."
"And she's obviously female!"
"I'm not blind, Mal," said Polly.
"I'm not deaf, either," said the woman, turning and smiling. "My name is Angua. If you will wait here, I'll have some coffee sent in. There's a bit of an argument going on in there at the moment."
They were in a sort of anteroom, not much more than a widened area of corridor with a few benches. There were big double doors at the far end, behind which voices were being raised. Angua left.
"Just like that?" said Maladict. "What's to stop us taking over the place?"
"All those men with crossbows we passed on the way up?" said Polly. Why us? she thought, looking blankly at the wall.
"Oh, yes. Those. Yes," said Maladict. "Er... Poll?"
"Yes?"
"I'm actually Maladicta." She sat back. "There! I've told someone!"
"Dat's nice," said Jade.