Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

He also had a black eye.

"This the one?" said Major Clogston, who was leaning against the wall eating an apple. "The general has asked me to tell you that there will be a dowry of five hundred crowns, with the army's compliments."

Johnny brightened up slightly when he heard that. Shufti gave him a long and careful look.

"No," she said at last, turning away. "That's not him."

Johnny opened his mouth, and Polly snapped: "No one asked you to speak, private!" And, such was the nature of the day, he shut up.

"I'm afraid he's the only candidate," said Clogston. "We've got any amount of earrings, heads of fair hair, blue eyes and Johnnies - and, surprisingly, a fair number of carbuncles. But he's the only one with everything. Are you sure?"

"Positive," said Shufti, still staring at the boy. "My Johnny must have been killed."

Clogston walked over and lowered her voice. "In that case, uh, the general did say, informally, that a marriage certificate, a ring and a widow's pension could be arranged," she said.

"Can she do that?" whispered Polly.

"For one of you? Today? You'll be amazed what can be done," said Clogston. "Don't think too badly of her. She means well. She's a very practical man."

"No," said Shufti. "I... it's... well, no. Thank you, but no."

"Are you sure?" said Polly.

"Positive," said Shufti, looking defiant. Since she was not naturally a defying kind of person it was not quite the look that she thought it was and it ought to have been, having overtones of haemorrhoid sufferer, but the effort was there.

Clogston stepped back. "Well, if you're certain, private? Fair enough, then. Take that man away, sergeant."

"Just a moment," said Shufti. She walked over to the bewildered Johnny, stood in front of him, held out her hand and said: "Before they take you away again I want my sixpence back, you son of a bitch!"

Polly held out her hand to Clogston, who shook it and smiled. There had been another little victory, of sorts. If the landslide is big enough, even square pebbles will roll.

Polly headed back to the rather larger cell that had been made available as the women's barracks, or at least the barracks for the official women. Men, grown men, had fallen over themselves to put cushions in there, and bring in wood for the fire. It was all very strange. Polly felt they were being treated as something dangerous and fragile, like, say, a huge and wonderful jar full of poison. She turned the corner into the big courtyard and there was de Worde with Mr Chriek. There was no escaping them. They were definitely people looking for someone.

The man gave her a look in which reproach was mingled with hope. "Er... so you're women, then?" he said.

"Er, yes," said Polly.

De Worde took out his notebook.

"This is an amazing story," he said. "You really fought your way here and got in disguised as washerwomen?"

"Well, we were women, and we did some washing," said Polly. "I suppose it was quite a cunning disguise, really. We got in by not being disguised, you could say."

"General Froc and Captain Blouse say they're very proud of you," de Worde went on.

"Oh, he has got promoted, then?" said Polly.

"Yes, and Froc said you did wonderfully well, for women."

"Yes, I suppose we did," said Polly. "Yes. Very well, for women."

"The general went on to say..." de Worde consulted his notebook, "that you are a credit to the women of your country. I wonder if you'd care to comment?"

He looked innocent, so possibly he didn't understand the raging argument that had just broken out in Polly's head. A credit to the women of your country. We're proud of you. Somehow those words locked you away, put you in your place, patted you on the head and dismissed you with a sweetie. On the other hand, you had to start somewhere...

"That's very nice of him," said Polly. "But we just want to get the job done and go home. That's what soldiers want." She thought for a moment, and then added: "And hot sweet tea." To her amazement, he wrote this down.

"Just one last question, miss: do you think the world would be a different place if more women were soldiers?" de Worde asked. He was smiling again, she noted, so this was probably a joky kind of question.