Making Money (Discworld 36)

'Gold,' he said.

'Umnian is the most complex language ever,' said Adora Belle quickly. 'None of the Trust golems know much about it, so we can't be certain - '

'Gold,' said Moist, but his voice was leaden.

'So when the digging team found caves down there we came up with a plan. The tunnel was getting unstable anyway so they closed it off, we said it had collapsed, and by now some of the team will have brought the golems out under the sea and are bringing them underwater all the way into the city,' said Adora Belle.

Moist pointed at the golem's arm in its bag, 'That one isn't gold,' he said hopefully.

'We found a lot of golem remains about halfway down,' said Adora Belle with a sigh. 'The others are deeper... er, perhaps because they're heavier.'

'Gold's twice the weight of lead,' said Moist gloomily.

'The buried golem is singing in Umnian,' said Adora Belle. 'I can't be certain of our translation, so I thought, let's start by getting them into Ankh-Morpork, where they'll be safe.'

Moist took a deep breath. 'Do you know how much trouble you can get into by breaking a contract with a dwarf?'

'Oh, come on! I'm not starting a war!'

'No, you're starting a legal action! And with the dwarfs that's even worse! You told me the contract said you couldn't take precious metals off the land!'

'Yes, but these are golems. They're alive.'

'Look, you've taken - '

' - may have taken - '

' - all right, may have taken, good grief, tons of gold out of dwarf land - '

'Golem Trust land - '

'All right, but there was a covenant! Which you broke when you took - '

' - didn't take. It walked off by itself,' said Adora Belle calmly.

'For heavens' sake, only a woman could think like this! You think because you believe there's a perfectly good justification for your actions the legal issues don't matter! And here am I, this close to persuading people here that a dollar doesn't have to be round and shiny and I'm finding that at any minute four big shiny beaming golems are going to stroll into town, waving and glittering at everybody!'

'There's no need to get hysterical,' said Adora Belle.

'Yes, there is! What there isn't a need for is staying calm!'

'Yes, but that's when you come alive, right? That's when your brain works best. You always find a way, right?'

And there was nothing you could do about a woman like that. She just turned herself into a hammer and you ran right into her.

Fortunately.

They'd reached the entrance to the university. Above them loomed the forbidding statue of Alberto Malich, the founder. It had a chamber pot on its head. This had inconvenienced the pigeon which, by family tradition, spent most of its time perched on Alberto's head and now wore on its own head a miniature version of the same pottery receptacle.

Must be Rag Week again, thought Moist. Students, eh? Love 'em or hate 'em, you're not allowed to hit 'em with a shovel.

'Look, golems or not, let's have dinner tonight, just you and me, up in the suite. Aimsbury would love it. He doesn't often get a chance to cook for humans and it'd make him feel better. He'll do anything you want, I'm sure.'

Adora Belle gave him a lopsided look. 'I thought you'd suggest that," so I ordered sheep's head. He was overjoyed.'

'Sheep's head?' said Moist gloomily. 'You know I hate food that stares back. I won't even look a sardine in the face.'

'He promised to blindfold it.'