Making Money (Discworld 36)

'Constable Haddock, sir.'

'Well, constable, can we get my colleague into the fresh air? He's wheezing. I'll unlock the door down here.'

Haddock nodded to the other guard, who hurried away towards the stairs.

'If you had a key, sir, why did you break in?'

'To get him out, of course!'

'So how - '

'It's all perfectly sensible,' said Moist. 'Once I've got out of here we will all have a laugh.'

'I shall look forward to that, sir,' said Haddock, 'because I like a laugh.'

Talking to the Watch was like tap-dancing on a landslide. If you were nimble you could stay upright, but you couldn't steer and there were no brakes and you just knew that it was going to end in a certain amount of fuss.

It wasn't Constable Haddock any more. It had stopped being Constable Haddock just as soon as Constable Haddock had found that the pockets of the Master of the Royal Mint contained a velvet roll of lockpicks and a blackjack, and it then became Sergeant Detritus.

Lockpicks, as Moist knew, were technically not illegal. Owning them was fine. Owning them while standing in someone else's house was not fine. Owning them while being found in a stricken bank vault was so far from fine it could see the curvature of the universe.

So far, to Sergeant Detritus, so good. However, the sergeant's grasp began to slip when confronted with the evidence that Moist quite legitimately had the keys for the vault he had broken into. This seemed to the troll to be a criminal act in itself, and he'd toyed for a while with the charge of 'Wasting Watch time by breaking in when you didn't have to'."[7] He didn't understand about the visceral need for the lockpicks; trolls didn't have a word for machismo in the same way that puddles don't have a word for water. He also had a problem with the mind-set and actions of the nearly late Mr Bent. Trolls don't go mad, they get mad. So he gave up, and it became Captain Carrot.

Moist knew him of old. He was big and smelled of soap and his normal expression was one of blue-eyed innocence. Moist couldn't see behind that amiable face, just couldn't see a thing. He could read most people but the captain was a closed book in a locked bookcase. And the man was always courteous, in that really annoying way police have.

He said 'Good evening', politely, as he sat down opposite Moist in the little office that had suddenly become an interview room. 'Can I start, sir, by asking you about the three men down in the cellar? And the big glass... thing?'

'Mr Hubert Turvy and his assistants,' said Moist. 'They are studying the economic system of the city. They're not involved in this. Come to think of it, I'm not involved in this either! There is, in fact, no this. I have explained all this to the sergeant.'

'Sergeant Detritus thinks you are too smart, Mr Lipwig,' said Captain Carrot, opening his notebook.

'Well, yes, I expect he thinks that about most people, doesn't he?'

Carrot's expression changed not one iota. 'Can you tell me why there is a golem downstairs who is wearing a dress and keeps ordering my men to wipe their dirty boots?' he said.

'Not without sounding mad, no. What has this got to do with anything?'

'I don't know, sir. I hope to find out. Who is Lady Deirdre Waggon?'

'She writes rather out-of-date books on etiquette and household management for young ladies who would like to be the type of women who have time to arrange flowers. Look, is this relevant?'

'I don't know, sir. I am endeavouring to assess the situation. Can you tell me why a small dog is running around the building in possession of what I shall call a wind-up clockwork item of an intimate nature?'

'I think it is because my sanity is slipping away,' said Moist. 'Look, the only thing that is important here is that Mr Bent had... a nasty turn and locked himself in the gold vault. I had to get him out quickly.'

'Ah, yes, the gold vault,' said the captain. 'Can we talk about the gold for a moment?'

'What's wrong with the gold?'

'I was hoping you could tell us, sir. I believe you wanted to sell it to the dwarfs?'

'What? Well, yes, I said that, but it was only to make a point - '

'A point,' said Captain Carrot solemnly, writing this down.

'Look, I know how this sort of thing goes,' said Moist. 'You just keep me talking in the hope that I'll suddenly forget where I am and say something stupid and incriminating, right?'

'Thank you for that, sir,' said Captain Carrot, turning over another page in his notebook.